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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Dear Minister, Please Filter the Internet!

Okay. I have changed my mind.

Initially, when Malaysian Insider reported that the government had invited tenders for Internet filter, I became quite upset. Then Minister Rais said it was only an exercise to look for ways to deal with pornography, especially child pornography, I cooled down a bit. After all, I trust our Ministers. Because, erm...well, they are our Ministers.

But now I think the government should filter the Internet. I changed my mind. Sorry for any inconvenience caused. By the way, don't you all just love those sorry-for-any-inconvenience-caused signboards, especially when you are stuck for 3 and a half hours in your car because some dick had to close 2 lanes from the 3 lane road you are on just so that he could complete his nice little building or something? Any inconvenience caused? No. Not at all. What inconvenience? We all love being in the traffic, looking at Rempits zig-zagging and whacking our side mirrors and Bangladeshis walking by the side of the road holding each others hand. Nice.

Anyway, it is a slow day. And I digressed.

Yes. Back to the topic. I now want the Internet filtered. Why? Because I am afraid I might grow stupid one of these days. Or I might die of laughter. You know, I might laugh so much that I might swallow my own tongue and choke on my own fingers while trying to free my tongue from my own throat. Things like that. So, please somebody. Do something. Filter the Internet!

The other day I read some journalist from Utusan Malaysia, - yes, that beacon of racial integrity - who apparently covered Karpal Singh's press statement on the Perak constitutional rumpus, actually thought that "ultra vires" means "insult". No wonder Utusan Malaysia was very angry with Karpal. LOL!

Then an RTM newscaster promptly ultra-vires-ed Karpal by testifying that she did not have a clue as to who he was. I mean, if I were Karpal, that would be an ultra-vires I could never forgive.

Then it was the Teoh Beng Hock inquest. Yes yes. He died because he fell down. There was no sign of struggle. All the injuries pointed to one fact. That he committed suicide. Yes yes.

But wait. How about the mark on the shoe? Sign of him being dragged? Oh, yes, I did not check on that. Yes, it is possible that he was dragged. Oh, his watch was missing and there were scratches on his hand. Ah...erm...I did not check on that too. Eh, he was 178cm tall. How come there were no finger print on the dusty glass window? Erm...never thought about it.

Oh ya, there were finger prints. But the prints were not good enough for profiling. I see. What's that? Yes. I concluded that he committed suicide. But of course, I did not see suicidal tendency from my interviews with his relatives and friends. Oh yes I also did not ask the Investigating officer about it. I just made my own conclusion. How come one of his shoes was not on his foot? Well, it flew off. But yes, I do not have any evidence for that. I am just speculating.

Yes yes, he committed suicide. But, he could have been squatting on the window ledge. Yes, squatting alone.

Please. Would somebody filter the Internet? I am dying out here. I might choke on my own puke soon. Please.

He was disbarred!! No, I did not mean to say that he was taken away from the long bar while having a beer bought from Shah Alam. No. I mean he had been struck off the roll as an Advocate and Solicitor of the High Court of Malaya. He applied to the High Court to reverse that decision to strike him out. He lost.

Why was he disbarred? There was a complaint made against him personally for failing to return his client's money. And the client was not some fat cat with a 3 million only palatial mansion. It was the Persatuan Pekebun-pekebun Getah (PerPeTah?) - I love those acronym nowadays, Pewaris, Pembela, Perwira la, whatever. Perogol they don't have yet la. Damn it's a slow day. I digressed again.

But but, no. He is not a criminal. He had not committed any offence. And yes. Actually it was his partner. And the matter is a small matter. And it has been settled. Yes. And you all are trying to character-assassinate me. It shows that you all have run out of ideas. How low can you all be? By the way, the Election Commission also says that he is a qualified candidate. Yes yes. Sorry for not knowing that.

Bar Council. What a load of rubbish you all are talking about? You and your kind are the reason why the Internet ought to be filtered. You character assassin you! Please stop politicising things okay. If you are so fond of politics, why don't you register yourself as a political party and run in an election okay.

Hooray. No more having to tick a box on whether I am a Melayu, Cina, India or lain-lain. Or having to write it down. Love it. Save me some 5 seconds. Brilliant. Oh my God. OMG! (pronounced, Oh, Am, Jee!) That would mean...wait..that would mean all governmental forms have to be reprinted. Oh gosh... Quick. Prepare a tender. Fly in a borrowed jet. Make some donations. Get the job.

Eh, by the way, while we are talking about race, can you all blank out Utusan ah? I mean, it's all race here and race there in Utusan. So, blank it out altogether lah. Like the forms. Can?

I gave him 10 million. No. Sorry. I donated 10 million. No. You did not. There is no record. But you flew in our private jet. You did not pay fuel charges. No, I did not. Yes you did. No I did not. You did. Did not. Did too. Did not too. Did. Did not. Did. Did not.

I am fed up. I work so hard around the clock. And what do I get? I get blasted. I get ridiculed. I feel so unappreciated. I don't want to do it anymore. No. I am going to stop investigating all politicians. Well. Have you been investigating ALL politicians? Now don't you go ultra-viresing me okay. I am already pressured.

That Gobalakrishnan. I am very angry and ashamed. He was uncouth. It is unacceptable. I am going to tell the Attorney General to speed up his persecution. Eh, prosecution. Yes yes. Said the AG. Yes Sir. I will speed it up. I tell you. Had this been in the UK, the AG would say, who the flying fork are you to tell me how to do my job? I have not even had a look at the investigation papers and decide whether to prosecute or not. Please. Don't you ultra-vires me okay!

Yippee. Another corporate deal. A management buy-out of PLUS. And the benevolent take-over party will propose a lower toll rate. Yes yes. Oh. But he will also ask an extension of toll period. Alamak. Premature ejaculation. Porn!

Quite obviously. The Internet needs filtering.

38 comments:

donplaypuks® said...

In the TBH case, the missing watch is telling!

What is it telling? The time of death, that's what it's telling! Then suicide would be completely untenable!

Now you know hy it's missing!

Don't filter the internet; filter the evidence carefully. Lol.

dpp
We are all o 1 race, the Human Race

ajip said...

hahaha

funny

Anonymous said...

Be careful Art, your mind is wondering all over the place. Hahahaha.... Good stuff.
Mohd.

SM said...

ART,

Aiyoyiiii! You digress too much me thinks!
By the way, someone who states that the GofFather Trilogy is his "filem kegemaran"! Wow! At last someone with taste!
My first time commenting here so I'm keeping it simple!

Linda J said...

And what have you got against the Bangladashis?

Anonymous said...

Art Harun,

It's real mater piece. Keep it up. I too want the Internet to be filtered. Good Money making business ya!

samsaimon said...

Your writeups always make my day!

About not writing the race, whats the hu ha? Its nothing new. We have been filling in forms without requirements for race! Try to think off a few forms! Its a cheap publicity indeed!

In our country, name tells who you are!!!

ison said...

Haha... so funny but then too good to be true...

Anonymous said...

ART you must have a wonderful head on your shoulders to be able to see all this humour from all this political mumbo jumbo. So i guess this is the LEGACY dr mahathir represents and what he was trying to protect. Some legacy dr mahathir .

Anonymous said...

Money paid back - confirm it with the association and get them to identify the lawyer which they dealt with.
Bar council - your integrity is at stake as you have not shown proof you victimized a "good son".DPM says all of you are character assassins so unless you clear your conscience all of you members of the board should resign in bloc.
Rais Hitam is out of date like Botak who gave BN a bad taste. He should also retire now b4 he makes more boos boos.

x-man

Xforget said...

Dear Art,

Well done. I just love this piece.

I'm having a good laugh everyday following the news of our nation, be it the blogs, foreign news, or our MSM. But, you've sum it up.

At times, I'm just wondering, who are these so called professionals, what were they thinking of the general public. Must be some **** (fill it in) to believe in their statement.

Anonymous said...

you had me in stitches, sir.

Enjoyed this wonderful article immensely.

clearwater said...

If they filter the Internet, they might start with your blog, then where am I to get my laughs? No, I cannot agree to any kind of filter. I can always ignore stupid remarks but I cannot live without smart comments. You make my day, again.

CW Ye said...

Dear Art,

Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

While all the things you mentioned sounded funny, these are our leaders, people's representatives and law enforcers, who are feeding us all these ridiculous out-of-this-world comments and remarks.

That's what happen when the government never have the right people for the right jobs.

Very sad.

Anonymous said...

Art, don't need to fill in your 'race' but the new form requires you to fill in your religion! That way they will 'filter' the forms too.

Anonymous said...

Water also can't filter properly do expect them to filter visual thing.

Vejasvaran said...

Brilliant and wonderfully funny along the lines of Tom Sharpe. Unfortunately so very true, wonder if our politikus will understand.
Cheers

tupingera said...

You can never write for Utusan Malaysia or Berita Harian.

Your articles are way,way down below their standard.

I thank you for that.

PM said...

It is so joyful reading ,hilarious way of getting your message across.

Anonymous said...

you can play write these into the Bolehland tv series, "Menteri Boleh!" ala Yes Minister. sure lighten up a rather dull day. (but not forgetting the seriousness of the underlying message)

Anonymous said...

ART,

The filtration of the internet had began and it is done discretely and selectively. Our Ministers are spinning the truth as some of the website had been blocked. Here is the article written by author of the website:

Malaysian Government Say They Are Canceling Controversial Plans For Internet Filters

The reversal from earlier reports is sweet but probably a huge lie. The politicians ruling Malaysian say they don't censor the Internet but the people know they do because of the inability to access certain websites in the country. Thus proving the ministers are liars and cannot be trusted. Now they say they have changed their mind on tighten the censorship they say they are not doing by reporting to the people they are canceling a controversial order for Internet filters. Yet the people know they say one thing and do the complete opposite.

This blog has a Facebook page or two. They can block Facebook but would be awesomely stupid if they do. What about other outlets like Twitter? Unless the inbred politicians with inherited public offices that play minters on TV plan to isolate Malaysia from the Western world there will be no stopping their eventual down fall. Other bloggers as well as the Gutter Uncensored is also available on Wordpress, Feedburner, Myspace, Twitter and Livejournal. Those other location for this blog will be disclose on the Facebook fan page if need be. Blocking all these Internet resources will only assen the their eventual down fall. The corrupt double standard politicians in Malaysia just don't understand they cannot control the Internet as they would like with their lies.

The always lying Fascists ruling Malaysia say one thing while planning and doing something else like any god awful totalitarian government would. The funny thing is that they like looking at pussy and titties just like the rest of us but they play innocent and pure on TV. Then go to their mistresses with the people's money before bring home the STD stew to their wives. The current Malaysian Government is aiming in the wrong direct when it come to freedom in a civil modern society. Can you just imaging the shit storm if they block Facebook? Nothing like the shit they get at home when they infect the wife with herpes.

mei1 said...

aiyo, mana boleh filter, our "abang-adik" country, China has recently retreated the censorship on Internet, how can we not follow suit??
Furthermore, today is World Humanitarian Day, hence these kind of "bizarre" or "bull***t" (you determine which is more appropriate) news that only available in Truly Bolehland must be allowed to show on Net freely, so, mana boleh filter??

julian said...

way to go mate, a beautiful article ----damm i got blood pressure and it went up again.i enjoyed the article had a big grin on my face reading it but spot on you are just like the bloger kata nak nak

Kenny said...

Wow,"You make my Day." Just when I was about to slip into a moody mood I read your piece and it brighten up my day. I believed that those morons will not understand your messages well. Your article is too high a standard for them to comprehend it anyway.

Anonymous said...

Art Harun,

Your article never fails to charm me.

Many Thanks.


Siebel

eechia said...

ROFL.
Thank you so much for such entertaining piece!
:)

Anonymous said...

Bumiputra Citizens in Sabah and Sarawak have been writing their race as lain2. But for muslims Iban or Kadazan can put down their race as Malay and they are better off. That's Y very few non muslims Kadazans in Sabah got places in the pblic U or Govt dept. It's time for a change...

Anonymous said...

OMG you are funny. Made my day.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha!

If we see a Bar Council party forming by the end of the year, we know where it came from.

Good stuff.

Kris said...

ROFLMAO man :) Tongue in cheek, satire and enormously funny! Keep them coming!

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha! You must have got the idea while struck..sorry, i mean stuck in the traffic.

Art, you better read the established Berita Hairan and Otusan Malasie only and if you are able to understand english language then read The Stuck or New Stuck Times or you will end up getting ultra virus....i mean ultra vires.
Internet news are only for gossipers and full of lies!

Go....Go...Malaysian!!

Anonymous said...

Good stuff-this is a campor of Malaysian life with this government!!

patrickteoh said...

Art, you are a genius with words. Thank you so much for sharing and for making this Thursday a less grey one here in Landslide Central, Bkt.Antarabangsa.

Anonymous said...

Art

You outdid yourself. This is the best post since Articulations started.

peace
bob

Anonymous said...

art ,

if i were an UMNO leader serving in najib's cabinet , i would have you arrested under the ISA for making your readers laugh at these UMNO clowns .

then once arrested , you will be forced to work and write for UTUSAN MALAYSIA . it will be " forced labour " of a kind which i am sure you will enjoy because even the dense minded NOOR AZAM and AWANG SALAMAT wont be able to understand your subtle humour , let alone censor your script.

and in the background , there will be DR MAHATHIR saying " now art is the kind of son and ketuanan melayu product the malays are supposed to beget. but how did ketuanan melayu end up with people like muyuddin yassin , awang salamat and noor azam? "

ajoyly said...

Salute to you for your breezy style which still manage to convey the messages intended whether in pun or otherwise. That's important because we need to have a fair picture of what is happening around us.

Especially in Malaysia! Surreal become real. True become untrue. It's not easy to live in a country with everything on a go-go mode. So much so that we need to be stretchless. Or else we will end in a stress. But don't be distress cause this is not a game but a race. And progress is not resting but racing.

That is why, Malaysians can now act like a computer. And this show that our brain has advanced to such a level, we need to use 'mode', otherwiswe the world would have a hard time catching up with us. And to do that, they need to learn our 'modus operandi'. Sounds like spanish and romantic but be careful.

Born of that is the 'swing fever' Because some prefer to make the fever more action oriented. With the 'e' it would just be a fouled smelling word. The end is near but the mighty Karpal have to sink first. A formula have to be found. H1 N1 is not powerful enough for the job. Ultra Virus was the answer - a concortion produced by a computer generated mind.

They forgot that Karpal was sharp and fast. They were in such a hurry that they missed one ingredient. But Karpal like a lightning striker put one and one together. He managed to get that important component. It was 'e'. The secret formula is 'ultra vires' and not 'ultra virus'. So Mr. K is still upstanding because the ace is in his hands.

Well, like you said, it's just fantasy on a hot and slow day.

amreeth said...

brilliant :)) thank YOU for making my day xxx

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