Okay. I have changed my mind.
Initially, when Malaysian Insider reported that the government had invited tenders for Internet filter, I became quite upset. Then Minister Rais said it was only an exercise to look for ways to deal with pornography, especially child pornography, I cooled down a bit. After all, I trust our Ministers. Because, erm...well, they are our Ministers.
But now I think the government should filter the Internet. I changed my mind. Sorry for any inconvenience caused. By the way, don't you all just love those sorry-for-any-inconvenience-caused signboards, especially when you are stuck for 3 and a half hours in your car because some dick had to close 2 lanes from the 3 lane road you are on just so that he could complete his nice little building or something? Any inconvenience caused? No. Not at all. What inconvenience? We all love being in the traffic, looking at Rempits zig-zagging and whacking our side mirrors and Bangladeshis walking by the side of the road holding each others hand. Nice.
Anyway, it is a slow day. And I digressed.
Yes. Back to the topic. I now want the Internet filtered. Why? Because I am afraid I might grow stupid one of these days. Or I might die of laughter. You know, I might laugh so much that I might swallow my own tongue and choke on my own fingers while trying to free my tongue from my own throat. Things like that. So, please somebody. Do something. Filter the Internet!
The other day I read some journalist from Utusan Malaysia, - yes, that beacon of racial integrity - who apparently covered Karpal Singh's press statement on the Perak constitutional rumpus, actually thought that "ultra vires" means "insult". No wonder Utusan Malaysia was very angry with Karpal. LOL!
Then an RTM newscaster promptly ultra-vires-ed Karpal by testifying that she did not have a clue as to who he was. I mean, if I were Karpal, that would be an ultra-vires I could never forgive.
Then it was the Teoh Beng Hock inquest. Yes yes. He died because he fell down. There was no sign of struggle. All the injuries pointed to one fact. That he committed suicide. Yes yes.
But wait. How about the mark on the shoe? Sign of him being dragged? Oh, yes, I did not check on that. Yes, it is possible that he was dragged. Oh, his watch was missing and there were scratches on his hand. Ah...erm...I did not check on that too. Eh, he was 178cm tall. How come there were no finger print on the dusty glass window? Erm...never thought about it.
Oh ya, there were finger prints. But the prints were not good enough for profiling. I see. What's that? Yes. I concluded that he committed suicide. But of course, I did not see suicidal tendency from my interviews with his relatives and friends. Oh yes I also did not ask the Investigating officer about it. I just made my own conclusion. How come one of his shoes was not on his foot? Well, it flew off. But yes, I do not have any evidence for that. I am just speculating.
Yes yes, he committed suicide. But, he could have been squatting on the window ledge. Yes, squatting alone.
Please. Would somebody filter the Internet? I am dying out here. I might choke on my own puke soon. Please.
He was disbarred!! No, I did not mean to say that he was taken away from the long bar while having a beer bought from Shah Alam. No. I mean he had been struck off the roll as an Advocate and Solicitor of the High Court of Malaya. He applied to the High Court to reverse that decision to strike him out. He lost.
Why was he disbarred? There was a complaint made against him personally for failing to return his client's money. And the client was not some fat cat with a 3 million only palatial mansion. It was the Persatuan Pekebun-pekebun Getah (PerPeTah?) - I love those acronym nowadays, Pewaris, Pembela, Perwira la, whatever. Perogol they don't have yet la. Damn it's a slow day. I digressed again.
But but, no. He is not a criminal. He had not committed any offence. And yes. Actually it was his partner. And the matter is a small matter. And it has been settled. Yes. And you all are trying to character-assassinate me. It shows that you all have run out of ideas. How low can you all be? By the way, the Election Commission also says that he is a qualified candidate. Yes yes. Sorry for not knowing that.
Bar Council. What a load of rubbish you all are talking about? You and your kind are the reason why the Internet ought to be filtered. You character assassin you! Please stop politicising things okay. If you are so fond of politics, why don't you register yourself as a political party and run in an election okay.
Hooray. No more having to tick a box on whether I am a Melayu, Cina, India or lain-lain. Or having to write it down. Love it. Save me some 5 seconds. Brilliant. Oh my God. OMG! (pronounced, Oh, Am, Jee!) That would mean...wait..that would mean all governmental forms have to be reprinted. Oh gosh... Quick. Prepare a tender. Fly in a borrowed jet. Make some donations. Get the job.
Eh, by the way, while we are talking about race, can you all blank out Utusan ah? I mean, it's all race here and race there in Utusan. So, blank it out altogether lah. Like the forms. Can?
I gave him 10 million. No. Sorry. I donated 10 million. No. You did not. There is no record. But you flew in our private jet. You did not pay fuel charges. No, I did not. Yes you did. No I did not. You did. Did not. Did too. Did not too. Did. Did not. Did. Did not.
I am fed up. I work so hard around the clock. And what do I get? I get blasted. I get ridiculed. I feel so unappreciated. I don't want to do it anymore. No. I am going to stop investigating all politicians. Well. Have you been investigating ALL politicians? Now don't you go ultra-viresing me okay. I am already pressured.
That Gobalakrishnan. I am very angry and ashamed. He was uncouth. It is unacceptable. I am going to tell the Attorney General to speed up his persecution. Eh, prosecution. Yes yes. Said the AG. Yes Sir. I will speed it up. I tell you. Had this been in the UK, the AG would say, who the flying fork are you to tell me how to do my job? I have not even had a look at the investigation papers and decide whether to prosecute or not. Please. Don't you ultra-vires me okay!
Yippee. Another corporate deal. A management buy-out of PLUS. And the benevolent take-over party will propose a lower toll rate. Yes yes. Oh. But he will also ask an extension of toll period. Alamak. Premature ejaculation. Porn!
Quite obviously. The Internet needs filtering.