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Friday, September 11, 2009

Subterranean Blues

Disclaimer and warning: This is a work of fiction. Tiada kena mengena samada dengan yang mati atau yang masih hidup. Contains profanity and porn language. So, moral Nazis among you, please do not read.

Date: 09/09/'09

Time: 09:09 hrs

Location: Somewhere near the Middle Rock, Selat Tebrau, Johore.

Depth: 9999cm

Commander's log: It's been more than 12 hours that we are down here. Morale is low. The crew obviously missed ASTRO and the BPL. Some have begun to display signs of acute withdrawal symptoms. As to what they are withdrawing from, I have not a clue. I just want to go home. ET goes home. ET goes home. Okay, gtg. Laterz...

Commander Isa "Rempit" Ibrahim sat behind the control console. It was quiet. The drone from the engine and the massive propellers at the back of the vessel served to fill the silence.

Somewhere in the background, somebody was singing "Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, Merrily.....". "Good God," Commander Isa was thinking. Bloody irritating. This is not a bleeding boat. This is a submarine! And we are not going down a stream. We are at the bottom of the sea damn it!

"Could you stop singing that blinking song you stupid idiot?", blared Commander Isa, his piqué showing. Warrant Officer 1 Pardi was startled. Trembling in his pants, he stopped singing and managed to softly say, "Sorry Tuan Komander, saya tak buat lagi".

"Hmmmph...", grunted Commander Ahmad. "Bodoh macam lembu!", he said.

"Eh eh...steer la this sub elok-elok sikit. And get your freaking hands off that torpedo button. I tell you, if you whack that little rock in front, habis ler kiter. That rock if you must know, is not just any other rock you know. It is the, I mean, THE (pronounced "de") rock okay. The Middle Rock. If you tertembak Midlle Rock tu, mampus aku! That's like showing our country the middle finger Bro!," screamed Commander Isa.

"Okay okay Tuan...", said the Warrant Officer Class 1 Pardi bin Joned.

The truth was, Commander Isa was getting bored. I mean, who wouldn't be, right? Trapped in a small submarine with nothing to do for days would not be anybody's idea of fun. He couldn't move much. Couldn't eat roti canai and nasi lemak. Let alone drink teh tarik. Could not see anything else other than bloody rubbish thrown by whoever at the bottom of the sea. To compound the boredom, his Play Station 2 is now out of battery and he has forgotten to bring the charger. "Shit! What have I brought unto myself when I agreed to take up this job,", he uttered in his head.

"Bini aku ni pun satu la, aku suruh dia pack battery charger tu dia lupa pulak. Ini la yang aku rasa macam nak kawin lagi satu ni....", he said to himself.

He has had enough of this silence and boredom. He must do something. With that, he slammed his palm on the huge red button near the control console. The siren wailed away. Wheow wheow wheow....well, it did not exactly sound like that but you all get what I mean.

"This is not a drill. This is for freaking real. All crew come to the control room now. Like N.O.W.!!!", yelled Commander Isa through the intercom. "I give you all 2 minutes to come here, counting, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9.....that's it," he screamed. "Those of you who are still not here, 150 push ups!!"

"But but Commander, you said 2 minutes, that was only 10 seconds", some smart spark said. "I am the law, when I said 10 seconds, I mean 10 seconds!" said the Commander. "But Sir, you said 2 minutes", the smart spark said. "Well, whatever," the Commander retorted. "Tangkap, tangkap those who are still not here!", shouted the Commander.

"Okay, listen up guys. Like it or not, we are going to be here for the next 3 months. We have to learn to live with each other. Race and religion regardless. Remember we are here together. Like one for all and all for one. This is our home. This is 1 Submarine. Understand?", announced the Commander.

"Sir, yes Sir", said all the crew.

"1 Submarine boys, remember that. Nation First Performance Now. Okay? That is our motto. But in case of emergency, remember, the motto is Commander First Performance Whatever okay?", screamed Commander Isa.

"Sir, yes Sir", responded the crew.

"Okay okay, now, let us all sing Negara Ku, Pardi, play the music now," ordered Commander Isa.

"Negara Ku, tanah....", they began to sing.

"Bangsat, bangsat, ganyang Malingsi, ganyang Malingsi, bangsat, pencurik, tak malu...sapu Malingsi", suddenly a commotion broke out at the back. Two persons were shouting and screaming.

"Hey bahalol, siapa awak ha?", thundered the obviously upset Commander. "Bapak, saya Prebet Dermawan Supranissan dan ini pula teman saya Suntoyo Tempemasin. Kami dari Indonesia Bapak. Itu lagunya lagu Indonesia Bapak. Malingsia sudah curik. Enggak boleh nyanyi Bapak, nanti kami sapu Bapak semua," explained Prebet Dermawan.

"Bloody hell these Indons, how the hell did they end up in my submarine?", the Commander was thinking. "Where the hell do both of you work?", asked Commander Isa.

"I am the strategic armoury personnel Bapak and my friend Suntoyo is the submarine's waste management and administration officer Bapak", explained Prebet Dermawan.

"Oh, you mean you are the torpedo head polisher and your friend is the toilet cleaner? Okay, shut the fork up okay. That song is Hawaiian you morons! Bodoh macam lembu!", thundered Commander Isa.

"Okay, sing again," ordered Commander Isa.

*********************************************

Date: 10/09/09

Time: 20:20 hours

Location: Not too sure. Sat-nav is down.

Depth: 100 meters

Commander's log: We are lost. The sat nav is not working. Somebody knocked on his beer and it seeped into the system. Bodoh macam lembu! England beat Croatia 5-1. Wonder whether some Malaysian businessmen were also playing.

"Beer. Bloody hell. This is no good. Nobody should be drinking beer in this thing. What more if you are a Muslim,", Commander Isa was thinking. "And that 2nd class officer who knocked his beer into the sat-nav thingy was a Muslim. I must punish him!", Commander Isa thought.

"Second class Officer Selamat bin Mat Diah, come to the control area now!", screamed the Commander through the PA system. "I give you 2 minutes, counting, 1,2,3,4,5,6...", the Commander counted. "Yes Sir, I am here", said Officer Selamat while in the "attention" pose.

"You think you are bloody smart ah Selamat. I gave you 2 minutes and I have not finished counting up to 7 and you are here. Who are you shitting huh? Now, go back and do not come until I count to 120!", shouted Commander Isa.

120 counts later. "You, a Muslim, have been found drinking beer, which contains alcohol. As Commander, I sentence you to 80 lashes", announced Commander Isa. "Captain Syed Barakbah Al-kohol, whack Officer Selamat with 80 lashes now", ordered the Commander.

"But er Sir, we have no experience in doing this'", the Captain said.

"Commander Sir, Captain Sir, I know how it is done," said Lieutenant Karam Singh.

Before the Commander could say anything, Lieutenant Karam took a rather large and longish plastic ruler from the control console and hit it on the Commander's chair.

"Oh, like that ah,", said Captain Al. "Like that okay lah, it doesn't seem to be that hard. In fact the caning in my school before was a lot harder. Okay Commander, I can whack Officer Selamat now," said Captain Syed B. Al-kohol.

"Permission to speak Sir," cried out Officer Selamat to Captain Syed.

"Sir, Officer Selamat asked for permission to speak Sir," Captain Syed related to the Commander.

"Do you bloody have to ask me for permission to give permission to Officer Selamat to speak Captain? Are you an idiot or what?" Commander Isa was getting pique again.

"Sorry Sir, but you always have a committee and then another committee to look into the first committee's report and then another committee to oversee both the previous committees and..." "Okay, I get it. You don't have to go on and on...", thundered Commander Isa, obviously getting impatient. "You have my permission to give permission to Officer Selamat to speak," said Commander Isa.

"Thank you Sir. Officer Selamat, I have the Commander's permission to give you permission to speak. And now I am giving you my permission to speak. So, please speak", said Captain Syed.

"Commander Sir, may I speak with you in private please," pleaded Officer Selamat.

"No, I am transparent. I don't like private this and private that. You speak to me here. In front of everybody. So that there wouldn't be any suspicion whatever," said Commander Isa.

"But but Commander Sir, I would like to plead for leniency and I...", explained Officer Selamat.

"Well, you plead here," ordered Commander Isa.

"Well Sir, you see, erm...I, erm...I have the Play Station battery charger," said Officer Selamat.

Captain Syed pretended he did not hear that.

"Okay, I have changed my mode. Now you may speak with me in private, Officer Selamat. What was that you wanted? Leniency?" asked Commander Isa.

*********************************************

Date: 11/09/09

Time: 20:00 hours

Location: Somewhere near Singapore. Lieutenant 1st Class Odysseus Ong had managed to repair and commission the re-operation of the sat-nav system.

Depth: 150 meters

Commander's log: I am so happy. The sat-nav is okay now. Phew... was afraid we could never find our way home, ever again. And to top it up, I have a Play Station battery charger. Perrrggh.

Commander Isa was at the control console. He was about to doze off after a really heavy buka puasa do when suddenly the emergency siren sounded and the red alarm light blinked. "Commander, Commander, emergency at the diesel room Sir, I repeat, emergency," Captain Syed could be heard raving on the intercom.

Commander Isa rushed to he back of the submarine, dodging the light bulbs, fans, underwear and various other things which are dangling from the wall and ceiling of the sub. Reaching the diesel room, he saw various Malay officers spitting and stomping on a picture of a cow head. In front of them, Officer Samy and Warrant Officer Moorthy looked real agitated.

"Hey hey hey, guys, what the hell are you all doing?", screamed Commander Isa at the Malay officers. "This is so wrong! You are mocking the religion and hurting the sensitivities of Officers Samy and Moorthy here. Knock it off will you?", ordered Commander Isa. Captain Syed, meanwhile, looked frightened.

"And what the fork are you doing here Captain Syed? Why the hell did you not stop these madcaps?" screamed Commander Isa.

"Er..Sir, the situation was very fiery Sir. I was afraid that if I interfered, the situation might get worse'", explained Captain Syed. "You forkin' woosy wimsy whimp!" admonished Commander Isa. "All of you stop doing that now or else I would tie you all up in an empty torpedo head and jettison you out from this sub now!," threatened Commander Isa.

"Awak pengkhianat bangsa. Pengkhianat agama. Lu pukimak! Lu datang saya punyer decker kalau berani, gua sekeh sekeh lu punyer kepaler. Lu pukimak Commander!", shouted Officer Nazrin, who was then chewing up the picture of the cow head. "Ya, ini jihad Tuan, they want to put their statue near our decker Tuan. That statue with many hands!, Lagipun Tuan, lembu tu bodoh!" explained Officer Zaki. "That will disturb our faith Tuan," said Officer Gani.

"Oh, okay then. Okay okay. You see aah Samy and Moorthy, these Malay officers did not intend to hurt your feeling. They are just venting their frustration. Its okay. Furthermore, I don't think they knew where the picture of the cow head came from,", said Commander Isa further.

"Tuan, in addition Tuan, there was an incident where a picture of a pig was put in my locker Tuan. By Chief Engineer Timothy Tiong and Warrant Officer 2nd Class Charleston Chua yesterday Tuan. We did not do anything pun," Officer Nazrin added.

"Ahhh, ya ya, see Samy, Moorthy, we all 1 Submarine okay. Be a bit more tolerant la okay...," advised Commander Isa.

*********************************************

"Oh My God! Oh My Gawwwd, someone is dead. Quick. Do something. Someone is bleeding dead!", wailed a Prebet under the staircase leading to the upper deck. Commander Isa was standing in front of the body. On the floor, Officer Odysseus Ong was lying, motionless in a fetal position. There was some blood near his head. His pants were torn at the rear. His hands were tied up together. And a black handkerchief was tied around his forehead covering his eyes. A bullet hole could be seen on his forehead. His face was swollen on both cheeks. "Who did this?" Commander Isa was thinking to himself.

That upper deck was occupied by Captain Syed as his work station. Commander Isa knew Captain Syed was questioning Officer Odysseus Ong the night before.

"Captain Syed, can you tell me what happened?", asked Commander Isa.

"Sir, I was questioning him last night. He was a witness Sir. I suspected someone was bribing the chef for extra whip potato Sir. I released Officer Odysseus at about 3 am Sir. But he said he had wanted to rest at the upper deck. I think he must have tripped from the stairs Sir. Or he could have killed himself," theorised Captain Syed.

"So, you mean, after you released him, he hit himself on the cheeks, blindfolded himself, tied his hands together, took a gun and shot his head, and then tripped on the stairs and fell down? Is that what you are saying Captain?" asked Commander Isa.

"Erm...yes Sir," nodded Captain Syed.

"Okay, obviously a suicide then," declared Commander Isa. "Put his body in the fridge Captain," ordered the Comander.

"Aye Sir."

*********************************************

Commander Isa was sitting at the control console looking at the radar. He was falling asleep. This job sucks. Sucks big bloody time. He was thinking.

Suddenly Captain Syed, followed by Officers Nazrin, Selamat bin Diah and 5 others rushed into the control room. Captain Syed had a gun in his hand. Pointing it to Commander Isa's head, he said, "this is a mutiny Tuan. We are taking over the control of this submarine. We are unhappy with you and your ways!"

"Oh shit..." Commander Isa exclaimed. "But you can't do that. All the officers are loyal to me," said Commander Isa while looking helplessly at Officers Nazrin, Selamat, Timothy Tiong, Samy, Moorthy and Charleston Chua.

"Well Tuan, no pun intended, but they all have jumped ship. Please get out of that control chair Sir to prevent any untoward incident. I give you 2 minutes to do so Commander," Captain Syed ordered. "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... Samy, Moorthy, remove him from that chair!" ordered Captain Syed.

Samy and Moorthy grabbed Commander Isa from the chair and removed him from the control room.

29 comments:

Ka Ea Lim said...

This is a piece of ART!

Anonymous said...

ROFL... good work break entertainment! Thanks for the laugh... we needed it.

PM said...

Withdrawal symptoms..withdrawal... I thought it has been catered for in all submarine and other naval ships. They are issued each with a rubber doll, when inflated it will be a full grown women dolly for the sailors to hug and take care of their withdrawal..it also comes with issued jelly to lessen the friction.

Thanks Art for a good satire

Tuan Lokong said...

Hahahaha...This is sure a piece of ART. Keep it up surely there more of the incidences on Board ererrr Underboard the Subs....(confius)

Anonymous said...

I can't really conenct the last part to any event... my mind thinks of the Perak power grab, but I could be wrong... can anyone confirm?

And yeah Art, great story! I laugh so hard, everyone in the office heard it!

MeesterT said...

What are you talking about? Maintenance kontrek pun belum sign lagi...Submarine nak ke mana? Aiseh man...if ada problem, nanti itu DCN tak layan ler... macam mana boleh pandu tampa insurance!

Art ni, memang bodoh macam lembu.

Right now the sub is sailing around with the dealer plates on OK?

MeesterT said...

Submersible Blues lah....subterranean tu underground ler. You ni tak sokong PPSMI ke?

natives are restless said...

i wonder if there are enough C4 in those torpedoes. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Woohoo! We all live in a Yellow Submarine... Your real-life satire brought on memories of Johan's Bag of Marbles.
Music. Humour. Playstation (lupa charger!). BPL. Oh, you are so wonderfully Malaysian -- I'm a fan. Mucho gracias for the goodies
Nur

Anonymous said...

Classic shit in real military style!

Hidemichi said...

Berapa kali gelak kuat. Nasib baik duduk bilik office tak berkongsi.
Sesekali Art keluar dgn satira, syok abis.

Anyway, what's with MeesterT? acute withdrawal symptoms ker?

Anonymous said...

Make this into a TV series and I guarantee it's gonna be a hit.

Anonymous said...

kahkahkah! kahkahkah! I can't stop but laughing about 1 Malaysia. What's gonna happen when the 1 Malaysia's cousin wakes up one morning to find there are more Ameno gangsters waiting for him to clear them of all charges for they were just venting their anger, they didn't mean to Kill or Rape anybody. \But it's okay for Ameno gangsters to create scenes but news portals like Malaysiakini cannot and should not display any pictures because it's irritaing the 1 Malaysia's cousin. kahkahkahkah! kah kah kah kah.

Xforget said...

Art,

Wahkaka ...you sure know how to poke fun on what's real.

LAT said...

Art,

you are a COOL creature !

Anonymous said...

Art, tks.
i know they removed the speaker from the chair !

Anonymous said...

kah kah kahkahkah! Art. You remember the morning the polis Raja Di Malaysia bouncers for UBN entering the Perak Legislative assembly ILLEGALLY, doing the act of kidnapping the speaker ILLEGALLY out of the chair and even holding him in confinement against his will. Now, all this amounts to gangsters doing their acts legally using the Ameno gangsters who happen to be Polis Raja Di Malaysia. Kes.1
Help!help! rape.Doctors. There is sign of penetration/injury etc. Polis. where is the witnesses.Kes.2 Saiful. Somebody skewed/poke me in my backside with something. Doctors. No sign of entry, no injury. no penetration. Polis. Enough evidence to charge the suspect.Kahkahkah kah kah kah! 1 Malaysia. I gave 49 heads of cows for korban to suraus and mosques in a state. Macc, I got a kes to answer. kah kahkah. Ex MB bought a 24 million mansion with his gratuity no corruption.kahkahkahkah. My 1 Malaysia. kahkahkah.

Anonymous said...

kah kah kahkahkah! Art. You remember the morning the polis Raja Di Malaysia bouncers for UBN entering the Perak Legislative assembly ILLEGALLY, doing the act of kidnapping the speaker ILLEGALLY out of the chair and even holding him in confinement against his will. Now, all this amounts to gangsters doing their acts legally using the Ameno gangsters who happen to be Polis Raja Di Malaysia. Kes.1
Help!help! rape.Doctors. There is sign of penetration/injury etc. Polis. where is the witnesses.Kes.2 Saiful. Somebody skewed/poke me in my backside with something. Doctors. No sign of entry, no injury. no penetration. Polis. Enough evidence to charge the suspect.Kahkahkah kah kah kah! 1 Malaysia. I gave 49 heads of cows for korban to suraus and mosques in a state. Macc, I got a kes to answer. kah kahkah. Ex MB bought a 24 million mansion with his gratuity no corruption.kahkahkahkah. My 1 Malaysia. kahkahkah.

Mr Bojangles said...

PM,
The rubber doll was issued. But after someone messed up the rear portal with his torpedo, the doll started to sing. So instead of using his torpedo on the Middle Rock torpedoist decided on his performance now strategy and gave the doll a blow job using C4s from Prebet Dermawan's arsenal.

BTW, what does a Malaysian sub and a used condom have in common?
A: Both are cold, wet, and full of confused se(a)men...

animah said...

Brilliant Art. Should make it into a Monty Python sketch. John Cleese as Commander Isa. Or Harith Iskandar.

Anonymous said...

rofl - took me a while to connect but very entertaining.

Although I think - Captain outrank commander on naval vessels. Captain's equivalent in the army is Colonel... if i remember right

XD

Anonymous said...

Good one Harun.It really makes the day more brighter with your piece of Art!

CW Ye said...

Is it from "The Hunt for Red October"?

You are better than even Tom Clancy :)

Frank said...

Art

BRILLIANT.. deserves to be converted into a stage play somewhere.

Love every minute of it and every sentence.

thanks

Kris said...

Hysterical!

John Baptist said...

I had such a good laugh!! Thanks bro.

aceofspade said...

Hilarious...all stuff tat has happened must hv been a drill for the compliance wit standard operating procedure of d sub. LMAO..good piece of ART!

Anonymous said...

Art

You keep on improving. Your ARTicles get better and better ..

Have a great Aid Fitra / Murabak ..

bob

Gan said...

Truly Art !