The Malays do their big business in the toilet by squatting on two pieces of whatever is available. In modern times, these toilets are called squat toilets. That is, I believe, the accepted Malay custom when it comes to the act of releasing one's excrement.
Nowadays, I am appalled by the fact that many Malays have abandoned this custom. They have now opted for sitting toilet where they would sit on the toilet seat and do their big business. This is so not Malay enough.
I am even more appalled that hotels, restaurants, shopping complexes, office complexes, air-planes, buses and whatever have seen it fit to do away with squat toilets. This robs me and other Malays - and even the non-Malays - from practicing the Malay custom. If nobody could practice the Malay custom in its entirety anymore I am afraid there wouldn't be any Malay left in this 1 Malaysia. The Federal Constitution defines a Malay as someone who, among others, practices the Malay custom. So, without being able to do my big business on a squat toilet, I wouldn't be able to practice the Malay custom. And I am afraid I would become a non-Malay under our Federal Constitution because of that.
I am appalled.
I am therefore proposing that a law be enacted pronto to address this problem. Doing business on a squat toilet must be made compulsory to all and sundry, especially the Malays. Anybody who is caught sitting on the toilet seat while poo-ing shall be guilty of an offence. Anybody who is found guilty of that offence shall be subject to a fine of RM50000.00, imprisonment of not more than 5 years and 6 lashes on his or her bare buttock.
All buildings, be it shopping complexes, office suites, hotels or whatever and all vehicles, be it air-planes, - whether normal fare or cheap fare - trains, express buses, ships, submarines etcetera shall be absolutely required to have squat toilets in the ratio of 30:70, namely, 30% sitting toilets to 70% squat toilet.
If not, the building or vehicle owner shall be guilty of an offence which is punishable by a fine of RM100000.00 per toilet and an imprisonment of 50 years per toilet and 12 lashes.
Meanwhile, Imams, or their assistants, with the help of RELA members or members of any resident association are legally permitted to, without warrant, break into any premises, or stop any vehicle or break into them, public or private, regardless of the time of the day, to inspect whether there are sufficient squat toilet in that premises or vehicles or whether any Malay person is poo-poo-ing on a sitting toilet or otherwise therein. These people shall have the power to arrest. They also may use force to carry out their duty as such. It shall be within their absolute discretion as to the intensity of the force or what force to use.
I hope with this proposal, a very important part of the Malay culture and custom shall be preserved. After all, in Slovakia, anybody who does not poo-poo under a tree - which is their custom - is guilty of an offence. So, what others do, we must do too. No matter what. Otherwise, we would be left out.
Let's work together towards 1 Malaysia, 1 Culture, 1 Custom, 1 Stupidity.
And 1 Bongkumness.