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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

1 Squat Toilet

The Malays do their big business in the toilet by squatting on two pieces of whatever is available. In modern times, these toilets are called squat toilets. That is, I believe, the accepted Malay custom when it comes to the act of releasing one's excrement.

Nowadays, I am appalled by the fact that many Malays have abandoned this custom. They have now opted for sitting toilet where they would sit on the toilet seat and do their big business. This is so not Malay enough.

I am even more appalled that hotels, restaurants, shopping complexes, office complexes, air-planes, buses and whatever have seen it fit to do away with squat toilets. This robs me and other Malays - and even the non-Malays - from practicing the Malay custom. If nobody could practice the Malay custom in its entirety anymore I am afraid there wouldn't be any Malay left in this 1 Malaysia. The Federal Constitution defines a Malay as someone who, among others, practices the Malay custom. So, without being able to do my big business on a squat toilet, I wouldn't be able to practice the Malay custom. And I am afraid I would become a non-Malay under our Federal Constitution because of that.

I am appalled.

I am therefore proposing that a law be enacted pronto to address this problem. Doing business on a squat toilet must be made compulsory to all and sundry, especially the Malays. Anybody who is caught sitting on the toilet seat while poo-ing shall be guilty of an offence. Anybody who is found guilty of that offence shall be subject to a fine of RM50000.00, imprisonment of not more than 5 years and 6 lashes on his or her bare buttock.

All buildings, be it shopping complexes, office suites, hotels or whatever and all vehicles, be it air-planes, - whether normal fare or cheap fare - trains, express buses, ships, submarines etcetera shall be absolutely required to have squat toilets in the ratio of 30:70, namely, 30% sitting toilets to 70% squat toilet.

If not, the building or vehicle owner shall be guilty of an offence which is punishable by a fine of RM100000.00 per toilet and an imprisonment of 50 years per toilet and 12 lashes.

Meanwhile, Imams, or their assistants, with the help of RELA members or members of any resident association are legally permitted to, without warrant, break into any premises, or stop any vehicle or break into them, public or private, regardless of the time of the day, to inspect whether there are sufficient squat toilet in that premises or vehicles or whether any Malay person is poo-poo-ing on a sitting toilet or otherwise therein. These people shall have the power to arrest. They also may use force to carry out their duty as such. It shall be within their absolute discretion as to the intensity of the force or what force to use.

I hope with this proposal, a very important part of the Malay culture and custom shall be preserved. After all, in Slovakia, anybody who does not poo-poo under a tree - which is their custom - is guilty of an offence. So, what others do, we must do too. No matter what. Otherwise, we would be left out.

Let's work together towards 1 Malaysia, 1 Culture, 1 Custom, 1 Stupidity.

And 1 Bongkumness.

For further information, please read the Star and the Malay Mail.

34 comments:

Walski69 said...

LOL... I'm afraid, though, that someone out there in the Bolehland legislative might just take this proposal seriously...

Stupidity, sometimes, can be stranger than fiction...

seriati said...

Hilariously funny if it is serious. The proposal shd be sent to PM Dept. with a copy to Dewan Bahasa.
We are serious, arent we?

freelunch2020 said...

Not only Malays squat.
Many Chinese too.
It's actually a good way to stretch ur leg (hamstrings)/back (esp lower)/butt/ankle muscles in the morning after zzzzz all night.

Karen said...

haha.. agree with Walski69

Anonymous said...

I don't suppose Najib's wife will be at all glad of squatting. And so does those guy who cleans their WC. After all,there will be more misses from the missus!

teo siew chin said...

omigosh! Art Harun is totally naughty....tho mind you, it has been said that some have to do it on bended knees.

donplaypuks® said...

The general state of education in our country appears to be such that the toilet is the most appropriate place to conduct classes and lessons!

If the Min of Ed designs these schools appropriately, then we may save billions of $ in unnecessary construction costs in time to come.

Long live the jamban!

dpp
We are all of 1 race, the Human Race

Cruzeiro said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cruzeiro said...

Art,
You are so cruel ...
How could you neglect to even mention the bonding that the Rela and Mat Skodeng fellas can achieve with the "oneness" with their victims?
Isn't that supposed to be what Mr. 1-Malaysia/Mongolia envisions?

budakkacamata said...

Meanwhile, Imams, or their assistants, with the help of RELA members or members of any resident association are legally permitted to, without warrant, break in any premises,or stop any vehicle or break into them, public or private, regardless of the time of the day, to inspect whether there are sufficient squat toilet in that premises or vehicles or whether any Malay person is poo-poo-ing on a sitting toilet or otherwise therein. These people shall have the power to arrest. They also may use force to carry out their duty as such. It shall be within their absolute discretion as to the intensity of or what force to use."

OMG ahahahahahahahaha! Mr. Art, thanks for making this funny entry.

sambal muncha said...

Art,

Question: What would you be if you became non-Malay?

Gan said...

hilarious la ....

team bsg said...

Does look like 1Malaysia is not Malay too , as it shoulda have been called satumelayu. how about eating burger n drinking coke ? That is so americano and not Malay ! als0 speaking/writing in inggrish for a Malay being not a Malay custom should also put you behind a Malay Custom prison la

LAT said...

LOL...then our First Lady will surely fail the Malay 1 custom test lor, how about let her "sitting on the squatting toilet" ? Can or Not ?

PM said...

First lady has one tailor made, no problem.

Warning do not squat on a sitting toilet bowl. It might crack and the pieces will cut into your arse as you fall.

Anonymous said...

Ya I agree, seat toilet should be banned and squat toilet should take its place.....for hygiene reason. Almost all seat toilet are manually converted to squat toilet with the poo-er climbing on top and squating on the seat. So the BN govt being a smart alex will come up with this reason....a seat toilet can be a seat or squat toilet as one desires. NFA

Mr Bojangles said...

In the days of old
When knights were bold
And women not invented
They drilled great holes
In telegraph poles
And they were quite contented.

In the days of old
When knights were bold
And paper not invented
They wiped their arse
On tufts of grass
And they were quite contented.

HariHaz said...

hahahhaa. funny!

but malays are very much stuck with knee problems.. so how?

Anonymous said...

1 piece of shit from a 1BULLSHITTER.
More submarines from France, 1BULL?

Anonymous said...

hehehe, why u so funny ONE ....I DOUBT u r a malay laa !

Anonymous said...

My Dear Art,

How can we not love you?

I like the way you take a dig at 1Malaysia, 1 Toilet, 1 Stupidity.

Your article is so hilarious....make my Tuesday.

I hope the goons who started all these realise their stupidity.....

Thanks for a light-hearted article.

Siebel

Fi-sha said...

Dear Art

That's my 30-minutes workout done in less than 5 minutes - thanks to you sir,Ive been laughing like a hyena!

For such proposal, i must write to Guinness World Book of Record in England to nominate our 1-? as the hilarious country.

Anonymous said...

LFMAO

Raison D'etre said...

Dear Art,
Are you sure about this one Bro?

When I was in Kitakyushu sometime back, I came across a squat poooping toilet in a few decade old Jap Authorities building.

Maybe we took this one from the Japs, perhaps?

Won't be the first cultural thingy siphoned from another.

:)

Anonymous said...

oh no no no. its not malay its indian tradition, this squat toilet thingy. go on any indian railways either on the train or on the track you see indians baring their buttock proudly squatting down doing this indian thingy. malay if i m not wrong do their business standing up before indian introduce this squat toilet thingy technology. if i m not wrong it must that munshi abdullah fella who introduce it to malaya.

Richard Loh said...

Take this poll:

For Unity And 1Malaysia To Function, Should The Prime Minister Of Malaysia Be Elected By All Malaysian Voters

Anonymous said...

Dear Art,

I totally agree with you that we should make it compulsory to preserve the 1 Squat Toilet as our Malayness custom.

Can you please write to our cultured Minister Rice Hitam (or something like that) and ask him to apply to UNESCO to patent the 1 Squat Toilet as our Malayness custom before the Indons start claiming the squat toilet at their own.

Also please write to our Tourism Minister Yen Yen (or something like that) and advise her to place photos of 1Najis and 1Moooheedin squatting over the 1 Squat Toilets on all our Truly 1Malaysia promotion billboards all over the world reflecting the Truly 1Malaysia custom.

Melayu Tulen said...

Please Mr. Art Harun, you and I would have no problem practising this Malay's custom because we have lean bodies. But what about other people like Rosmah. Have sympathy on her. Her body is already packed full a heavy load of shit. Imagine if she's trying to squat. The result might be that her beautiful backside ended up in the shit hole!

Anonymous said...

aiyaa ...they do it on the trees ONE laa !

Hidemichi said...

To refer on your proposal at the 4th paragraph , I assumed that such law should be enacted not just on the 'silly' toilet issue but to all other Malay practices especially which is clearly stated on the Federal Constituition that Malay is Muslim.

On that basis I agree to you.

Navi said...

Hi Art, You forgot to mention those who have mastered the art of squatting on toilets meant for sitting. Or haven't you been visiting public toilets recently.

Anonymous said...

Art

You are cruel ....

That means Malay women (and some men) will have to squat on erections of dubious construct.

As Malays are not major milk drinkers, osteoporosis sets in to the older generations including MPs, politikus etc so you are condemning them to be disqualified as members of the august chambers. Then there is not going to be many Malay MPs so how are they going to preserve the 'ketuanan'? Hmmm ... you created a coup with your shitty ideas .. brilliant ..

Bob

amr said...

distasteful..terrible..
not the way a muslim should write.
but sorry if i offended you with the "muslim" word. correct me if i am wrong

art harun said...

Encik/Cik Amr,

I am sorry you find it distasteful. But in case you hadn't got it, it is a satire.