To all Singapore Malays, I am writing this to tell you how lucky we all are in Malaysia. You think you all are so great, you sure have not seen how greater we, Malaysian Malays, are.
What you think? You think Johor Bharu is a place full of thieves, kidnappers and gangsters don’t you? Well, I wouldn’t blame you. Because that is what your ex-Prime Minister cum your Senior Minister cum your Minister Mental said. He did not like Malaysia because he was jealous of our success, peace and tranquility. And so he said that in an affidavit in a court proceeding. As Singapore Malays, you of course have to kow tow to your Supreme Leader and so you agreed with him, in’it? In’it?
I am sure you don’t really agree with him but you cannot say so, in’it? Because you can’t really say anything in Singapore, especially when what you wanted to say would go against what your Supremely Total leader said, in’it? Can you?
Well you know something? We Malaysian Malays can say anything we like. Of course we cannot insult Islam lah…kalau insult Islam we kena lah. But a bit only lah, not like you all in Singapore. We would only be detained without trial under the Internal Security Act. Then most probably we would have to leave Malaysia and live elsewhere. But you see, we don’t have to kow tow like you all. That’s the point, get it?
Hmm…do you know that Kia has launched a new car? Yes. It’s called Kia Soo. LOL!!!
Allow me now to continue to write in proper Queen’s English. Because my Singlish attempt in the foregoing paragraphs is really pathetic, as you could see. That is because we Malaysian Malays are taught Maths and Science in proper English. Because of that, we Malaysian Malays are so proficient in English although we are not as good as you are in Maths and Science.
The purpose of my writing this letter to you is to tell you that we, the Malaysian Malays, do not have to kow tow to anybody. We are the best Malays in the whole world. The luckiest Malays in the whole world. And the most successful Malays in the whole wide world, including the cyber world. Any other Malays, from any other country, or part of the world (including the cyber world), are just not as good or successful as us, the Malaysian Malays. They are simply at the tenth place out of ten. We, the Malaysian Malays, for your information, occupy the first nine places. That is how good we are.
I tell you what. We have a Malay astronaut. Here he is known as AngkasaOne. We even have a reserve astronaut. He is also Malay. He is known as AngkasaTwo. Don’t ask me why we mix a Malay word for “space” with an English word for the first two numbers to call them two astronauts. Perhaps that is because we want to impress that we are taught Maths in English. Yes, that must be it. Now, you all in Singapore do not have any AngkasaOne do you? See? We are better than you. And we do not have to kow tow to anybody.
We also swam across the English Channel, fully protected from jelly fish in a cage. And we have a Datukship for that. You all Singapore Malays got like that one ah? Mana ada? Of course later they was a Chinese boy who swam without the protective cage and even much faster than us the Malaysian Malays, but he did not get Datukship, you see. So we are better. And we did that without having to kow tow to anybody. You all. You kow tow also cannot do like that one, for sure (my Singlish is getting better, eh?)
Than we also have many big Malay businessmen in Malaysia. Our national carrier, MAS (not Malay Airline System, it’s Malaysia Airline System, mind you), was owned by a Malay. He made MAS the best. And one of the biggest. So much so that when he left, MAS was in such a solvent state that it could spend RM1.55 million to buy some paints in various colours splashed over some white canvas and put them in the Chairman office. And we did it without having to kow tow to anybody, kau tau?
We also have Malay businessmen who built highways from the north way up to the South. Now, had your government agreed, we would have extended that highway to your small ciku state via a second causeway. But true to your kiasu attitude, being jealous of our success and achievements (especially because we have several excellent national cars and the fact that we now have not one, but two, submarines – which mind you, can now dive in tropical waters – and also the fact that we run the “hottest race on Earth” – which is to be renamed “the monsoon-est race on Earth” – once a year), your government don’t agree to that proposal. But we always have a way. We will build a crooked and very scenic bridge on OUR side. Padan muka you all! We cannot build a straight bridge, we would build a crooked one.
More on the hottest race on Earth. We know you all are envious of our F1 Circuit, which is the best in the world (in 1999 that is). You all are so envious with this circuit. That we know. You all don’t have enough land and therefore you can’t build one. You also cannot have a F1 circuit race unless you want the F1 race to be held underwater.
So you have a street F1 race. Street race! Hah! In Malaysia, we Malaysian Malays do that every night. We call ourselves Rempits. Congratulations! You have turned the F1 drivers into Rempits! And to be different, and to kow tow to Europeans fans, you have to hold the race at night. In Malaysia, we do not kow tow, okay. Unlike you. Racing at night and on the street. Cheh!
Back to the highways. Yes. That was done by us, the Malaysian Malays. Look at how successful the highways, as a business, are. I know. In other countries, like yours, highways are built for logistical purposes but here, let me remind you, highways are primarily for business and investment purposes. As you can see, we, the Malaysian Malays are inventors of new businesses. And to top it all, even when the highways are raking it in, in terms of toll collections, our government would compensate the highway company in the hundreds of millions. And we do that, my little Singapore friends, without kow tow-ing to anybody. Nope. No kow tow, kau tau?
We, the Malaysian Malays are the masters. We excel in every fields of business. In constructions industry, we obtained contracts recently for the construction of the new palace. Not only that, we even managed to negotiate with the government, whose allocation was initially RM400 million, to increase the cost to about RM800 million. Now tell me. Can you, Singaporean Malays, do that? No way towkey.
And at international level, we managed to be an agent who put up the deal to for the Malaysian government to buy submarines. And we earned, I am told, about RM500 million for that. You think it is easy to buy submarines? No it is not I am telling you. There must be an agent to put up the deal. The government cannot just take up the phone and tell the submarine manufacturer that it wanted 2 or 3 submarines. Or ask 4 or 5 manufacturers to come for presentations and choose one of them to supply the darn submarines. No. The government needed us, the Malaysian Malays to be the agent. And of course, we do that without kow-tow. We do not have to kow tow, get it?
You all Singapore Malays, you can do like that ah? Sure kenot. You all are losers. I am sure you all supported England the other night, didn’t you? 4-1. Bumbling kow-tow-ing idiots! Golden generation konon. If that was golden, than I wonder how brass looks like!
You all have Perkasa or Gertak or not? Ha…got or not? You see, we Malaysian Malays are so lucky. We have Perkasa and Gertak to look after our rights and entitlements. That is why we do not have to kow tow to anybody like you all. We know our rights man. Our Constutilation. Yes. Our rights and entitlements are all mentioned in the Federal Constitulations. Our supremely brave and intellectually inclined leaders or Perkasa and Gertak have read them. And we believe what they say too. That is why, we do not have to kow tow to anybody. Kau tau?
So please. Don’t you make noise here and there about us Malaysian Malays. I know and the whole world know that despite you saying Johor Bharu is so full of thieves and whatever (by the way, haven’t you all heard, crime rate has gone down by 20% since KPIs were imposed, please update yourself before talking nonsense), you all just love to come to JB to buy your household items, eat in our restaurants and drive so fast on our highways (because you all do not have enough length on your roads to speed up to 130kph in your pathetic Kia Soo whatever).
So, beat it, okay. Frankly, I am in love with Singapore as much as I am in love with frozen butter during my free hotel breakfast.
We, Malaysian Malays, do not kow tow. Kau tau?