Keynote address by the 1st Chairman.
Ladies and gentlemen, firstly, it gives me great first pleasure to welcome all of you, the first ever delegates to the FWSoEaAF, the 1st World Summit of Everything and Anything First.
I am, as all of you would have firstly noticed, the 1st self elected Chairman of this 1st World Summit.
Allow me to firstly tell you what this 1st World Summit is all about.
Ladies and gentlemen, all of us would remember anything and everything first, wouldn't we? Our first kiss. Our first sexual intercourse. And to an unfortunate few of us - or fortunate, depending on which side, front or back, we are on - our first sodomy. I mean, there are people who do not even bath or do the big business for two days after their first sodomy. That is how important and memorable our first experience is.
Rod Stewart says, the first cut is the deepest. And of course, the first sodomy could be the tightest. I digress.
With full realisation that the first will always be the most memorable and important - and hopefully would never be the last - this summit is organised to celebrate everything and anything first. Welcome therefore to the 1st (ever) World Summit of Everything and Anything First.
Some of you might want to firstly know why my country is hosting this 1st World Summit. Well, the answer is simply because we are trend setting. We hold record after record of the world's first ever this and that.
Consider this firstly.
We are the first to have a fugitive who apparently ran away from our country - allegedly frightened by the misdeeds that he had done - and who nobody apparently knows where he is although he is not in any way hiding from anybody. He is definitely the first ever fugitive who is not hiding.
He could be seen on the internet, in reports and videos, attending seminars and giving lectures. Hotshots have even gone to his house to have dinner with him and his family. However, our authorities are at a lost as to where he exactly is. And this is the same authorities which could track semen from some asses even when there was no "clinical finding" of penetration of the very same ass. That's a world first I am sure.
Speaking of semen, we are also the first country with medical forensic experts who think semen in an ass, without "clinical finding of penetration" constitutes evidence of anal sex.
That means, firstly, there could be anal sex without penetration. Then, it also means that semen from Malaysians could not only swim but also fly upon ejaculation right into an asshole. That, I am sure too, is a first.
In case you all hadn't noticed, we are also the first to have the tallest twin towers. Yes. Not one, but two tallest towers in the world. Speaking of which, we are now going to build another one, which will be taller by 11 storey than the twins.
Which brings me to another first. Yes. We are the first to include an erection into our national budget. This erection is not the government's. It is the private sector's erection. Our Honourable Prime Minister has said it - that it is not his idea but the idea of Permodalan Nasional Berhad. However, it is included in the government's proposed budget. How and why? Don't ask me. I do not have the first clue. Whatever it is, our national budget is the first to include the erection of a building in it.
To top it up, we are also the first country to have come out with a video guide to committing suicide by self strangulation. And we are also the first to propound the ground breaking and earth shattering rule that every forensic pathologist who theorises a death by a fall from high buildings must firstly experience such a fall before making such a theory. Soon, we will pioneer a rule to say every forensic pathologist must first die before making any theory on the death of any person.
While talking about our government initiatives, one cannot miss the fact that our government is the first when it comes to coining acronyms. We have so far had NKRA; GTP: 10MP; ETP; NEM; SRI and finally NKEA. If Minister Idris Jala later introduces the Integrated Key Economics Agenda, I am afraid IKEA would take umbrage and refer the matter to the KLHC, namely, the Kuala Lumpur High Court.
Feeling left out, our DPM cum EM had on 20th October 2010 launched the Excellent, Brilliant, Successful, Intelligent, Smart, Youth dan Young (EBSIS 2Y) programme. Yes, EBSIS2Y. The fact that the Bahasa Malaysia word "dan" is infused among the litany of the evil foreign language is also a first in the world, mind you. According to a lady friend of mine, the EBSIS2Y would be in direct competition with the Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Clever and Horny - in short, BITCH - movement. Which led a guy friend of mine to quip, WTFDICAAJSMTM, which stands for "What The Fork Do I Care About Acronyms Just Show Me The Money."
In so far as television shows are concerned, we also hold several firsts. Firstly, we have the highest ratio of reality-tv shows per capita anywhere in the universe. Yes, you name it and we have it. We search for anything and everything in our reality tv shows, from footballers, to racers, to boyfriends and girlfriends.
Our annual talent-search show, namely, Akademi Fantasia, holds the award for the 1st talent-search show with the most talent-less participants on Earth.
Speaking of which, we also are the first nation to have a reality-tv show to search for an "imam" (a Muslim who leads prayers in a group). Yes. No other country has done that but us.
Soon we will be searching for our sanity in our reality-tv shows. That will undoubtedly be the first.
Speaking of racers, we should also speak about cars. We are the first country to have, as our national car, a car which come from other nation. This is particularly unique to us. We have a re-badge Mitsubishi as our "national car". Even after 24 years of existence, our national car "manufacturer" still cannot build a truly national car and it still have to re-badge a Japanese car and sell it as its own. And thus Lancer becomes Inspira. It surely is not very Inspira-tional, isn't it guys?
In the legal arena, we have so many firsts as well, Ladies and Gentlemen. We have a person who is caught and charged for sodomy twice! He was imprisoned for his first alleged sodomy and soon after he came out from prison, he was caught yet again and charged yet again.
Amazing! If this happens in other countries, I am sure the people would say, "yea, rite, and semen could fly!". Oh, but then again, here, it has been proven that semen could fly. Oh dear.
Then we have our cyber authority charging the writer of a satire for publishing things which are not true although the content code of that very authority permits satires! LOL! That is definitely a first (and this statement is NOT a satire!). By the way, which satires are true? ROFL!
Speaking of funny things, we are also the first country ever to have banned cartoon books.
Speaking of banning things, we are also the first country to have confirmed that the devil actually looks like the one portrayed in the Manchester United club logo. And so we banned Muslims from wearing any jerseys or whatever which depicts Manchester United logo because we are certain the devil is the one which is portrayed by the logo.
In the gastronomical aspect of things, we are the first country to have held a campaign to eat durians and muttons at the same place and on the same day. And it was at the Parliament House no less. In fact we are also the first to have slaughtered a cow at the Parliament House. Has anybody else ever done that Ladies and Gentlemen? I take your gaping wide mouth as a sign of awe, thank you.
We are also the first country to restructure one of our mega corporations into the biggest plantation company in the world which would then promptly made a loss of about 900 million! It surely looks like small is better in our country.
Speaking of corporations, we also have a corporation which is making billions in turnover and profits over time but is still being "compensated" by our government for not being allowed to raise toll rates. In other countries, people are compensated when they make losses. But we are the first to compensate entities when they are making billions!
Despite being lumbered with the responsibility of paying these "compensations," we rush to extend this corporation's concessions for longer periods of time. By doing that we have to pay them further "compensations" in the event toll rates are not raised.
Then we are also the first country to pioneer this negotiation technique whereby a certain pre-set price would be increased - as opposed to actually decrease - after negotiation. This negotiation technique has been used for the cost of our new palace, for instance, where the pre-set cost was about 450 million but it was increased to about 800 million after employing this new and pioneering negotiation technique. No other country has managed to do this. We are the first!
Socially, we are also the first to have to remind our fellow citizens that they are not immigrants or "pendatangs". Lol!
Over to the south, if a certain former Premier had his way, we would be the first to have built a crooked bridge.
Speaking of whom, that very same former Premier, who had always boasted to everybody that his rule was among the most democratic rule on Earth, had created a first of sorts when recently he expressed his admiration for Communist China.
Ladies and Gentlemen, a round of applause for everything and anything first.