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Friday, October 22, 2010

1st World Summit of Everything First

Keynote address by the 1st Chairman.

Ladies and gentlemen, firstly, it gives me  great first pleasure to welcome all of you, the first ever delegates to the FWSoEaAF, the 1st World Summit of Everything and Anything First.

I am, as all of you would have firstly noticed,  the 1st self elected Chairman of this 1st World Summit.

Allow me to firstly tell you what this 1st World Summit is all about.

Ladies and gentlemen, all of us would remember anything and everything first, wouldn't we? Our first kiss. Our first sexual intercourse. And to an unfortunate few of us - or fortunate, depending on which side, front or back, we are on -  our first sodomy. I mean, there are people who do not even bath or do the big business  for two days after their first sodomy. That is how important and memorable our first experience is.

Rod Stewart says, the first cut is the deepest. And of course, the first sodomy could be the tightest. I digress.

With full realisation that the first will always be the most memorable and important - and hopefully would never be the last - this summit is organised to celebrate everything and anything first. Welcome therefore to the 1st (ever) World Summit of Everything and Anything First.

Some of you might want to firstly know why my country is hosting this 1st World Summit. Well, the answer is simply because we are trend setting. We hold record after record of the world's first ever this and that.

Consider this firstly.

We are the first to have a fugitive who apparently ran away from our country - allegedly frightened by the misdeeds that he had done - and who nobody apparently knows where he is although he is not in any way hiding from anybody. He is definitely the first ever fugitive who is not hiding.

He could be seen  on the internet, in reports and videos, attending seminars and giving lectures. Hotshots have even gone to his house to have dinner with him and his family. However, our authorities are at a lost as to where he exactly is. And this is the same authorities which could track semen from some asses even when there was no "clinical finding" of penetration of the very same ass. That's a world first I am sure.

Speaking of semen, we are also the first country with medical forensic experts who think semen in an ass, without "clinical finding of penetration" constitutes evidence of anal sex.

That means, firstly, there could be anal sex without penetration. Then, it also means that semen from Malaysians could not only swim but also fly upon ejaculation right into an asshole. That, I am sure too, is a first.

In case you all hadn't noticed, we are also the first to have the tallest twin towers. Yes. Not one, but two tallest towers in the world. Speaking of which, we are now going to build another one, which will be taller by 11 storey than the twins.

Which brings me to another first. Yes. We are the first to include an erection into our national budget. This erection is not the government's. It is  the private sector's erection. Our Honourable Prime Minister has said it - that it is not his idea but the idea of Permodalan Nasional Berhad. However, it is included in the government's proposed budget. How and why? Don't ask me. I do not have the first clue. Whatever it is, our national budget is the first to include the erection of a building in it.

To top it up, we are also the first country to have come out with a video guide to committing suicide by self strangulation. And we are also the first to propound the ground breaking and earth shattering rule that every forensic  pathologist who theorises a death by a fall from high buildings must firstly experience such a fall before making such a theory. Soon, we will pioneer a rule to say every forensic pathologist must first die before making any theory on the death of any person.

While talking about our government initiatives, one cannot miss the fact that our government is the first when it comes to coining acronyms. We have so far had NKRA; GTP: 10MP; ETP; NEM; SRI and finally NKEA. If Minister Idris Jala later introduces the Integrated Key Economics Agenda, I am afraid IKEA would take umbrage and refer the matter to the KLHC, namely, the Kuala Lumpur High Court.

Feeling left out, our DPM cum EM had on 20th October 2010 launched the Excellent, Brilliant, Successful, Intelligent, Smart, Youth dan Young (EBSIS 2Y) programme. Yes, EBSIS2Y. The fact that the Bahasa Malaysia word "dan" is infused among the litany of the evil foreign language is also a first in the world, mind you. According to a lady friend of mine, the EBSIS2Y would be in direct competition with the  Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Clever and Horny - in short, BITCH - movement. Which led a guy friend of mine to quip, WTFDICAAJSMTM, which stands for "What The Fork Do I Care About Acronyms Just Show Me The Money."

In so far as television shows are concerned, we also hold several firsts. Firstly, we have the highest ratio of reality-tv shows per capita anywhere in the universe. Yes, you name it and we have it. We search for anything and everything in our reality tv shows, from footballers, to racers, to boyfriends and girlfriends.

Our annual talent-search show, namely, Akademi Fantasia, holds the award for the 1st talent-search show with the most talent-less participants on Earth.

Speaking of which, we also are the first nation to have a reality-tv show to search for an "imam" (a Muslim who leads prayers in a group). Yes. No other country has done that but us.

Soon we will be searching for our sanity in our reality-tv shows. That will undoubtedly be the first.

Speaking of racers, we should also speak about cars. We are the first country to have, as our national car, a car which come from other nation. This is particularly unique to us. We have a re-badge Mitsubishi as our "national car". Even after 24 years of existence, our national car "manufacturer" still cannot build a truly national car and it still have to re-badge a Japanese car and sell it as its own. And thus Lancer becomes Inspira. It surely is not very Inspira-tional, isn't it guys?

In the legal arena, we have so many firsts as well, Ladies and Gentlemen. We have a person who is caught and charged for sodomy twice! He was imprisoned for his first alleged sodomy and soon after he came out from prison, he was caught yet again and charged yet again.

Amazing! If this happens in other countries, I am sure the people would say, "yea, rite, and semen could fly!". Oh, but then again, here, it has been proven that semen could fly. Oh dear.

Then we have our cyber authority charging the writer of a satire for publishing things which are not true although the content code of that very authority permits satires! LOL! That is definitely a first (and this statement is NOT a satire!). By the way, which satires are true? ROFL!

Speaking of funny things, we are also the first country ever to have banned cartoon books.

Speaking of banning things, we are also the first country to have confirmed that the devil actually looks like the one portrayed in the Manchester United club logo. And so we banned Muslims from wearing any jerseys or whatever which depicts Manchester United logo because we are certain the devil is the one which is portrayed by the logo.

In the gastronomical aspect of things, we are the first country to have held a campaign to eat durians and muttons at the same place and on the same day. And it was at the Parliament House no less. In fact we are also the first to have slaughtered a cow at the Parliament House. Has anybody else ever done that Ladies and Gentlemen? I take your gaping wide mouth as a sign of awe, thank you.

We are also the first country to restructure one of our mega corporations into the biggest plantation company in the world which would then promptly made a loss of about 900 million! It surely looks like small is better in our country.

Speaking of corporations, we also have a corporation which is making billions in turnover and profits over time but is still being "compensated" by our government for not being allowed to raise toll rates. In other countries, people are compensated when they make losses. But we are the first to compensate entities when they are making billions!

Despite being lumbered with the responsibility of paying these "compensations," we rush to extend this corporation's concessions for longer periods of time. By doing that we have to pay them further "compensations" in the event toll rates are not raised.

Then we are also the first country to pioneer this negotiation technique whereby a certain pre-set price would be increased - as opposed to actually decrease - after negotiation. This negotiation technique has been used for the cost of our new palace, for instance, where the pre-set cost was about 450 million but it was increased to about 800 million after employing this new and pioneering negotiation technique. No other country has managed to do this. We are the first!

Socially, we are also the first to have to remind our fellow citizens that they are not immigrants or "pendatangs". Lol!

Over to the south, if a certain former Premier had his way, we would be the first to have built a crooked bridge.

Speaking of whom, that very same former Premier, who had always boasted to everybody that his rule was among the most democratic rule on Earth, had created a first of sorts when recently he expressed his admiration for Communist China.

First class.

Ladies and Gentlemen, a round of applause for everything and anything first.

52 comments:

siewchinteo said...

ROTFLMFAO!
this article is totally first-class! :)))

Anonymous said...

Yes a brilliant post..just the perfect script for a stand-up comedian.. IYKWIM !! ( If You Know What I Mean)

Wak

MS Abdullah said...

another brilliant piece like always.. thanks sir, you just made my day...

Anonymous said...

OMG, I nearly died LOL!! This sounds like Malaysia's "annus horriblis"!!

Wonder why we never start a sperm bank. Imagine the collections! There's a first for you.

Hawkeye said...

We are shrouded in a haze of alphabets and confusion originting from Putrajaya. The prolonged exposure to this haze of a;phabets has affected the brain. Making the brain hazy and woozy, they began to imagine flying sperms and illustions of worlds' first of everything.

Anonymous said...

What can i say, Fantastic
Thanks ART.

Anonymous said...

Art
Do not forget we are also the 1st country in the world to have a Sleeping Prime Minister.

Frank Zappa

Anonymous said...

First class.Please have part 2 or more. There is so much more for this collection n will be a good reminder for us to kick them out!!!! Thanks

Tiger said...

Art! You're back, with a bang!
Bloody hilarious!

pinsysu said...

nice dose of funnies sir! but tis is juz abt the only summit that u can hold. :)

Anonymous said...

Been missing you, but at least The First Lady has been entertaining us with her First Islamic Fashion Show!

Anonymous said...

You left out the First Ladies Summit, that is a total waste of taxpayers money.

Anonymous said...

Sir, absolutely, genuinely and truly first class!

Thanks. I will get all my children to read it!

montgomerychee said...

This "first" nonsense is the consequence of an evolving (in a rotting sense) bunch that is shameless, don't know what it is to be shy and downright lack of humility.

Changster said...

Wonderful ejaculation from an inspired wise ass (oops, should it be the other way round?) that firmly cements thoughts of many that have been groping around for expression.

Anonymous said...

Oh yes,

We are also the first in using C4 to murder a Mongolian woman who enter the country through Immigration but the record of her entry was automatically erased following her death.

Ladies and gentlemaen,

Yes, we have auto-delete immigration machine after your death. Therefore, Foreign Investors need not worry to invest in our country. If you are dead, your history will be automatically deleted.

We also have special lawyers that take care of your body after your death. Even your ashes would be safely discharged into the rivers.

SRJ said...

we are also the first to think that sanitary pads can contribute to social ill. well done!

rob said...

Could not stop laughing. People in my office think that I have gone to cuckoo land.

Another piece of brilliant but poignant writing. Truth hurts as much as half-truths.

WAWTETW (what a way to end the week)

Are you the first lawyer turned comedian or 1st comedian turned lawyer?

Then again like the song by the Tiga Anjing Malam - one is the loneliest number ...

Peace

Robbo

Anonymous said...

Now, this I call 1st. Class writing from the 3rd Class Country.

Mr Bojangles said...

You left out, in a country where even driving normally is a great challenge, the 1st class asshole who was able to drive backwards 1010km supported by a whole bunch of cheering morons and half the police force.

Anonymous said...

and hey what about the first to haul in a stained mattress to court in the 1st sodomy case?

Kay

Gan said...

I think this "WTBFIET" (wanting to be first in every thing) syndrome must be the symptom of a bigger mental condition !

ps Art - your title "and Anything" got missing kah?

Derek said...

LOL totally hilarious! Love it!

d'enricher said...

Art,

With all the 1st, and the present pride off "all" malaysian with the "numeric 1", I am waiting for the tallest "Numeric 1" in the world.

It surely will be very soon, and for all we know the design of PNB new 100 stories building shall look like that.

Great write .

A.Alshukor

Anonymous said...

Art, u really came back with a big bang. In the arse no less!! My admiration for you is erecting exponentially... LOL

rance said...

Hello Art, I just read your article and had a good laugh.Tks.(I am so tired of our politics)Do have a good weekend.

Ivan said...

Reading this piece is real shockalingam la!

Tim said...

What a good laugh! ART Boleh, Malaysia TAK Boleh! ART Numero 1, Malaysia Numero Last!

Anonymous said...

dear art
you really need to improve on your research Look at all the firsts that you've left out that we had to point out to you

NDL
(Nearly Died Laughing)

Parody of Bolehland said...

First let me congratulate you for being the first to have thought up this first world summit.
You left out that we are the first to identify Sanitary Pads as the cause of social ills!
You have done a first again ART and it's too bad there is no international award or list of the first country with the most first. We are also the first to have a 1st in front of a country's name to remind citizens we are one nation.
We are also the first who can change someone's ethnicity by virtue of conversion to a religion.
We have also the first chinese who denied he is chinese in the first place after changing his God!
We are also perhaps the first where the 1st Lady is equal in political power, status and influence as the No1 PM.
Am I the first to mention those firsts above!

Anonymous said...

Sir Art Harun,
Thank you for another great article.
You are the BEST!
C.E.

AJ said...

I wish i had be the first to congratulate you one a wonderful post, but alas i am first to be third.

one brain cell said...

First rate Art, thanks for the merriment.

Anonymous said...

dude...u really hit it!! nice one. ha3. u really brighten my day art. :-)

First Me said...

Art, yes, you have left out our most important double first event - the first First Lady Summit attended by a few unknown Non-first world countries. As first self-appointed chairman of First World Summit, please consider giving the first Self-Claim Award to our first self-claimed First Lady.

PahNur said...

Art, bravo for an excellent piece of the first articulated article to cover the firsts in Malaysia!!!

Think you've forgotten that we have the first First Lady to have an actual office in the PM's office.

We also held the first First Lady's World (or maybe just third world) conference to probably discuss on which sun tan lotion / sun screen protection products are better, of course to contribute to the Global Warming problem the world is facing today.

zorro said...

Best in class....oppps...first in class.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for such a wonderful article.Couldn't stop laughing tru out.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! Seriously superbly true! hahaha

semens can fly! AHHAHA!
this blog seriously made my day!

Yap said...

Have Turbo charged...to make your semens fly...may hit the wrong target...
Thank you Art,you made my day

NeoNodeGuy said...

Thank you sir .. U made my day.

shafeek said...

Dear Art,
You've probably heard of the "Immaculate Conception"? If not, ask your nearest Catholic friend, which in the spirit of 1 Malaysia I hope you have such a friend.
So as a Malaysian first, we have the miracle of the "Immaculate Sodomy" based on the same "no penetration" idea, although no miracle pregnancy or birth has yet occurred. This could be the start of a new religion in Malaysia - another first!

Anonymous said...

AMD(Air Mail Delivery).

I liked the sperm bank idea :)he!he! We can just donate from home and our sperm can fly to the bank or if need be to the recipient direct.ha!ha! . Definitely will be the First in the Universe.

Anonymous said...

bravo Art.....twin towers is the 1st Twin Erections! now, not only pig can fly but semen too! you are the best Art! Dan

kita anak melayu said...

nice article art...

ini aa story pasal pelan ekonomi kelantan.. looks good

whats your comment?

Pelan Transformasi Ekonomi Kelantan

Anonymous said...

and the UMNO doctor found his rectum empty! what? where did the shit go? highly likely to his mouth coz the "i swear guy" stinks to high heavens with his lies.

Anonymous said...

Keep writing Br.
You had indeed touched many a soulless soul…And that is also the First.

Anonymous said...

tqtqtqtqtqtq !!

Anonymous said...

1st class sale of a rm50-screw driver
for >RM4000.00 in the universe !!

Anonymous said...

'i believe i can fly !' ...sung by
malaysian sperms !!

Anonymous said...

heh heh heh, hahaha hohoho, heeheehee..help!

clytan13 said...

So sad,so lost, do I still have a mother land to go home to in my old age,what ' was' this beautiful going to evole into?
I be the first to cry! Well I am the 'first'.