Loyal Followers

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

1 World, 1 Malaysia...different planet

Imagine you are an alien being from some planet far far away in the globular star clusters M80, 23,000 light years away from Earth. You have just arrived on Earth after traveling in a space craft called Pro-Ton, your premier national space craft manufacturer. You have traveled 23,000 light years to be here.

You are tired, hungry and may be sleepy. But you are excited at the same time. You have read so much about this blue planet filled with strange gasses, minerals, matters and of course, strange and wild creatures of various forms. You can't wait to meet them. Interact with them. Probably even mate with some of them.

As fate would have it, you have landed somewhere in what your inter-stellar google map calls Kuala Lumpur. While landing, you have caused a bit of a landslide along the KL-Rawang road causing the road to be closed. You have also caused cracks to reappear all over the MRR2 prompting the former Minister of Works to shout at his wife "it's an act of God!!!!" out of sheer habit, forgetting that he is no more a Minister. But you are not worried. You and your craft are invisible of course.

You have come here prepared. You have studied the Earth and its entire history from day one, right from the day the Big Bang caused some dust, gasses and various matters to form Earth to the day Alexander the Great arrived in India and wished he had never been there and to the day Hitler was locked in a dungeon by an angry Jewish midget and the key thrown away. You have seen it all.

You have seen the Mayans drawing up their calendar up to 2012 before they committed mass suicide for no apparent reason leaving later generations to think that the Earth will come to an end in 2012. You have also known about Nostradamus, a guy who loved puzzles and riddles and whose entire goal in life was to ensure that the whole Earth population would be puzzled and riddled till Armageddon. And of course, you know all about Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Abraham, Isa, Mohammad, Mandela, Idi Amin, Robert Mugabe, Mahathir Mohammad, Clinton, Obama, Osama and others (in random order, not association or affinity).

As I had said, you came prepared. Also preset in your indefinite memory bank is humongous amount of data and information about all cultures, values and religions on Earth. Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, Buddhism, Zoroastrianism, Taoism, Shintoism and hundreds more. You know them all.

After drinking about 88 gallons of toxic waste and pig poo from some rivers around KL for breakfast, you decide to catch up with some reading before you set out to explore Earth. You plug one end of your version of a USB cable into one of your three heads and the other end into your 1 iEverythingPod. Your mind then skims through the vast data and information available about the latest and most current happenings on Earth.

You would instantly learn about the call for 1 Malaysia of course. Your two mouths actually smile. Then you would learn about UMNO delegates voting for change. You then cross-refer the word "change" to one Barrack Obama, the President of a place where Hollywood and one Scarlett Johansen are. Ahh...similar, you note. Then you learn about Zaid Ibrahim taking leave. About one Zul Noordin defending his faith while in bed. About a creature known as MACC - quickly cross-referred to McDonald - planning to prosecute 35 government officers for abusing their office erasers and paper clips. About a bomb exploding in Kabul killing many - cross referred to Holocaust, World War 2, Bosnian conflict, war crimes, exhibition at PWTC, Dr Mahathir, Idi Amin, stop - and another in Baghdad.

You shake your 3 heads in disbelief.

Then you are transported to the fact that NASA had just successfully launched and tested the Ares I-X prototype rocket, which was designed to replace the old and aging space shuttle. And you think, ahhhh..I have travelled 23000 light years and these morons are still testing space shuttle. Lame!

Later, you become aware of the fact that the African Union had just backed a plan to create a special hybrid court for trying those accused of committing atrocities in Sudan's restive Darfur province. Hmmm...Sudan....Darfur you think. Cross refer, mass killing, 300000 people (mostly Muslims) killed, 2.5 million people displaced...genocide...further cross-refer, World War 2, Holocaust, Hitler, Karadzic, Idi Amin....you get the drift.

Then you learn of the swine flu. Of the race to come out with a vaccine. Of how China and the USA manage to create one. In the nick of time. Then you discover there were more than 70 deaths in Malaysia because of this flu. The 1 iEverythingPod then cross refer to 3rd world; Philippines; Botswana; Ethiopia. Oh no, you have landed in a third world country, you think. Mission almost a failure!

You also learn that the Noble prize has been awarded to that guy whose name is Obama, from that country where the women have silicon in their body. Cross refer, Pamela Anderson. Monstrous, you say quietly.

Jenson Button wins the F1. Ooops...what is this? You explore. Auto racing. You learn. Abu Dhabi. Nice day and night race. You see at one time during the race, there was the sun and the moon at the same time! Cross refer, Sepang F1 race, race stopped before it finished as it was getting dark. Cross refer Singapore night F1 race. Party. Beyonce. Cross refer, Black Eyed Peas, no Muslims allowed, then Muslims allowed, check identity card, Beyonce cancels her concert, Pemuda PAS Selangor protests, Michael Learns To Rock, protests again, Hassan Ali, Zul Noordin, mullahs on Ecstacy.

You explore deeper. Japan leads in hybrid powered cars. New water in Singapore. Financial world revamping. Melting ice caps. Globalisation. Peace treaties. Middle east unrest. Modern day slavery in Dubai. Fulham whacks Liverpool 3-1.

You then come back to news in Malaysia, the place where you have landed. The Prison department is awaiting order to cane Kartika. Cross refer, beer, alcohol, Kartika, cane, Islam. Then you learn about the call for award to be given to those who marry single mothers. Cross refer, Islam. Later, you are fed with a scheme where RM10000 is paid to each man who would marry an orang asli woman in order to keep her as a Muslim. Cross refer, Islam.

You check your memory bank on all the information and data about that religion called Islam. Just to make sure you are reading those news accurately. Hmmm...strange, you think. Then you are transported to an offer for honeymoon for married couple having marital problems. Then to divorce-hit Terengganu wants to spice up sex life of newly-weds. Cross refer, Islam.

Finally, you learn about one Dr Asri, a former Islamic Mufti of a state in Malaysia, being arrested for lecturing about Islam without a license. Cross refer, Islam, breach of fundamental liberties, freedom of speech.

By this time you are sure all the data and information you had been implanted with about Islam is wrong and inaccurate. You profusely push the communicator button. Call your planet. "No," they say, "the information are correct." "But," you say, "I am getting quite different reports here." "Where are you?" your home ask you.

"I am in a place called Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia," you answer.

"Oh, that place", exclaims your home.

"Listen up okay, access your memory bank, and click ignore once," direct your home.

35 comments:

MarinaM said...

Very clever, Art. Wish I had time to write something like this.

Anyway talking about other-worldly, read this:

http://www.utusan.com.my/utusan/info.asp?y=2009&dt=1103&pub=utusan_malaysia&sec=Dalam_Negeri&pg=dn_17.htm&arc=hive

Kris said...

Hitler locked in a dungeon by a Jewish midget??? ROFL!!!

Pam Anderson monstrous..hmmmm. To each his own :)

Loved this :)))

Richard Loh said...

Mine, mine, mine, my mind really cannot work and think like yours, even worst not even close to that alien you described...lol...


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Kereta Lembu Takda Roda said...

Masterpiece.

Wished the ending had buzz, though.

Smoking Gun said...

Am I allowed to say you're a goddam genius Art?

samsaimon said...

The birth of Einstein in
Literature ?

Art of Arts.

Joseph said...

Great piece of work. Often when you start to question whether we live in a real world, it's work like this that assures you there are still some sane people around. I truly enjoyed your piece, more so the message.

Al Sunna said...

Assalam walakum,

This blog is a very nice blog, I have found it very beneficial to know more about Islam. Thanks for sharing the information.

rob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rob said...

Art
Sharp.

While reading the article i could not help but had billy joel singing to your lyrics - i mean words - just like We Didn't Start The Fire.

http://yeli.us/Flash/Fire.html

Another great piece of summary of the events over the past months.

joolee said...

poor alien. three heads but only two mouths. the poor third head cannot express an opinion, laugh or eat.

a very clever piece of writing.

Gan said...

As usual Art, your writing is !@#$ing good !

kangks said...

My salute to you sir. Direct to the point. I believe our country is one of the best in the world if manage properly. We are bless with abundance of natural resources and free from any 'act of God'.
Sorry for my broken english because I'm not a highly educated person.

PM said...

You are indeed a good writer. Thanks

LAT said...

Art,

Would you allow your "1 Brain" to be clonned for the sake of future generation ? For you are a rare species when come to "Divine ARTiculation". Your flesh and body may be mortal but your "ARTiculation Spirit" must be left alive in perpetuity on earth. God Bless !

Anonymous said...

Well written!

Salam Bangi said...

What a gibberish rambling pun not worthy of a racing lawyer. Nothing will ever be good for this wealth laden barrister subscribing to god knows what social and moral values.Occasionally just be politically correct to attract wider audience. Otherwise you will be drunk with good comments from same minded three- head aliens.

art harun said...

Dear Salam Bangi,

Thank you for taking your precious time to visit my blog and to actually read and comment on the gibberish that I churn out. I am obliged.
You seem to have some kind of a vicious pleasure in attacking me personally. I do not why.
Your comments on my posts at The Malaysian Insider were bereft of any intelligent arguments which could serve a civil and honest discourse on the issues on which I write. Rather they are just reflective of your anger towards me personally.
You call me "Tarzan" in one of your comment. That means you know me in school as that derogatory term was used against me in school. So I conclude you are in fact my school mate.
If you have personal issues with me, please do not use a public forum, such as the comments section on this blog or any other website to vilify me personally. My writings are strictly my personal opinions on matters close to my heart. I write not for self glorification. Now will be drunk with high praises. I don’t need that kind of thing. I am already too happy in my life and what I have achieved out of nothing so far and I do not need that kind of kick.
If you have personal issues with me, send me an e mail, - you can get my e mail on my profile -, introduce yourself and we will take it from there. In case you are still unhappy after that, perhaps we could meet up and settle those issues like real men.
By the way, take care of that neck. Yes, I know, there are a lot of pain around your neck.

Anonymous said...

We Didnt Start The Fire (by Billy Joel) was running through my head whilst reading this.

Absolutely hilarious.

Bravo

Kris said...

kangks, for someone who thinks he has a shortcoming you express yourself well. You have no need to apologize and I echo your sentiment.

Salam Bangi your quote refers "What a gibberish rambling pun not worthy of a racing lawyer. Nothing will ever be good for this wealth laden barrister"

Why the obvious personal references to Art's purported wealth and his diverse and interesting personality as evinced by his pursuits? Suffering from small penis syndrome are we?

salahtaip said...

Salute.
Yet another masterpiece.
And yes, even the alien considers Pam as monstrous.

Anonymous said...

vellly velly very nice 1 Art.

Em ... I am just ..lllll... the way out...
as this could be a good plot for
1 DREAM and Time Traveler engine that will be made by 1MF1 1team..


HAHAHAHAHA

Kamsia

Antares said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Antares said...

There are days when I wouldn't mind being a Vogon starship commander - just so I can order my construction crew to demolish Planet Earth and build a hyperspace bypass right through it. Might be well worth the effort of replicating the planet minus mad mullahs, Umno warlords, bankers, and fake royalty everywhere.

ruyom said...

"Racial polarisation in the country is not caused by the country vernacular school system but more by the government political, education and economic discriminative policies." - an educationist said today.

The prime minister and all the Umno ministers will never admit that polarisation arises more out of the race-based policies and privileges one race gets over another.

Similarly, there are other areas of our daily lives where terminologies used have made us view certain practices as privileges rather than sacrifices. For instance, the bumi discount for houses.

The total sale value to the developer is still the same. It is just that the non-malay buyer is likely to be required to pay for some of the discount given to the malays.

But the longer the NEP policies continue and the greater the vehemence with which Umno politicians issue threats, terminologies will change and more people will talk about these practices or policies in words that may not sound as pleasing to the ears of the beneficiaries.

Obviously, at that point we shall probably see a new round of discriminations and disagreements. Unfortunately, as long as only weak people take on leadership roles within Umno, threats will continue, NEP policies will be sustained and corruption will prevail.

That unfortunately is the legacy we have as Malaysians.

The basic building blocks of unity, whether you are uniting different ethnic groups in a country or trying to re-engineer a corporation of differing cultural values, are the same.

The principal parties have to be treated as equals - nor special privileges no favours that would favour one group over another. Any privilege that is given should be given to all on the same basis - for example, special privilege given to the financially poor regardless of race or ethnic origin.

It is only on this equitable footing that you can foster true nationalism and build lasting unity, since each component group will have the same stake in the nation and has equal likelihood in reaping the rewards or suffering the consequences.

My recommendation to the government, not simply as a businessman but also based on pragmatism, is not to waste any more taxpayer ringgit on nationalism programmes until it has established the pre-conditions for its success.

What is sad is that, after almost five decades of independence, we have been unable in Malaysia, to bring globally-vision leaders to the forefront - leaders who can see beyond racial boundaries to recognise the immense sociological and economic potential that can benefit all Malaysians.

jodie said...

Is the language diversity in our educational system a stumbling block to so-called "national unity"? Despite the insistence of this idea by the self-interested ruling elite, it is simply wrong.

And the common use of English did not stop Americans from fighting Britons in the War of Independence. And let us not forget the American Civil War - both sides spoke English.

And to the contrary, we see Europeans of different mother tongues coming together in a democratic manner to forge a united continent in the form of the multilingual European Union with common standards of human rights, governance and democracy.

English-speaking people with different mother tongues are also now living peacefully in five different sovereign and independent countries namely the United States, Canada, Britain, Australia and New Zealand.

It is time for the Malaysia ruling elite and their ideologues to stop spreading the voodoo of that language diversity hampers national unity.

The root cause of national disunity is none other than the existence of race-based political parties like UMNO, MIC and MCA, which perpetuate race-based affirmative action policies and which only benefit the upper class BN gangs and their sons, daughters and cronies.

kok said...

The truth is that the ability of education to bring people together is limited. On top of that, education - at least secular one - is about the pursuit of knowledge and truth, and hence whatever is taught in schools should be based on the reality and truth in order to unite the students.

But when our society is already polarised by the laws and other economic realities, and we tell our children otherwise in school, it is likely that the unity lessons will never stick for long or even worse result in a backlash.

What is more distressing is the fact that national education policy is only meant for the masses while our political leaders send their children overseas. Can we believe they have faith in our own educational facilities and that they are sincere in wanting the best for us?

In Malaysia, unfairness is institutionalised. For example, it is alright for certain schools or universities like the Universiti Institut Teknologi Mara to bar non-malays.

So it piques me to hear some blaming vernacular schools for racial tensions. Vernacular schools have never barred malays from enrolling into them unlike Mara educational institutions. If vernacular schools are to be blamed, so too must the Mara institutions.

(A minister responsible for higher education who can make such inflammatory statements confirms that the so-called meritocracy system of university entrance is a sham, since he was able to promise that the percentage for malay applicants will never fall below the previous quota percentage.

Is he suggesting that we should rejoice over our poor education? Please do not confuse quality with quantity.)

I cannot help but think that the politicians have an ulterior motive. If so, please be honest and brave enough to admit it.

With such narrow-minded people in charge, it is difficult to have confidence in any of their suggestions.

When it came to choosing a career, I avoided public services for the fear of being excluded from promotions just like how I was excluded from matriculation etc. Many employers are also very racially defined.

Now, as much as I miss hanging out with people of other races, I end up being with people of my own race.

Looking back, I don't think our primary vernacular system is the cause of disunity. On the contrary, it enriches our Malaysia heritage. The real problems are with the uneven playing fields that split malays and non-malays from secondary school onwards.

Another examples are the Chinese Indonesians. Most of them don't even speak their mother tongue, nor do they even carry Chinese names anymore, yet come any major political turmoil, they are targeted by the majority. Is this due to vernacular education?

The government should be aware of the fact that the number of Chinese schools has not increased over the past 30 years despite the need for them due to increased demand from both Chinese and non-Chinese students.

The diversity of education methods in the country is a national treasure and should be upheld. Unity will come from mutual respect and fair treatment for all - not necessarily from a uniform education.

Whether they will take concrete steps to address the imbalance is another matter for, while I am optimistic about the people of Malaysia, I have very little faith in politicians.

kangks said...

Dear Kris,
Thanks for your encouragement.I appeal to all the political parties to forgive and forget for the sake of our future generations. Every mankind is not perfect. If our country is stable, I'm very sure the FDI will coming back again and create a lot of jobs and everyone will have food on the table. Don't make our beautiful country as a joke to the world with what's happening at present.

Safaju said...

Wow! This totally made my day ;D

Richard Loh said...

Malaysians need to play a part in running the country and not just leave the politicians to do whatever they like.

You Need To Get Involved, Know What Is Happening & Going On In Malaysia

Anonymous said...

Hiya Art, if you decide not to practise law anymore , be a writer, sure can make money one.

Cheers.

Alan said...

Your artistic expression deserves a canvas better than Malaysia. But, thank God, Malaysia have you highlight her tragedies so they stand a chance of being fixed.

You are the man to watch, Art. I'll be proud to stand behind you.

Salam Bangi said...

Dear Ruyom

Just look at the who are the owners of big bungalows and big businesses in Malaysia.Malays? What's the percentage of Chinese students at private universities? 30%? (I wish I could study in one of the private universities) Which ethnic group constitutes the majority of the professionals? Malays?Far from it Malays still need the affirmative policies/actions .If I were you and not happy with the malay based government I would migrate to Singapore. I heard that there are lots of chinese there.I think you will be happy there. It's a win-win situation.

natives are restless said...

This Alien's thesis deserves a PHD conferment.

Anonymous said...

The fact that everything is done for the malays and yet they still cannot come up to the most basic standard of life (minus a few awesome people)juz goes to show that its better to teach a person how to fish than feed them the fish everyday. when you provide lunch everyday, people accepting it will tend to be lazy, dependant and take life easily. there will be no sense of responsibility, eagerness to succeed, kiasu attitude, and necessary attitude to win and prosper in life.