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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Lemme tell ya what's gonna happen...

Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Another by-election (that's by-erection for some people I read about, LOL!!).

Hulu Selangor. Frankly I don't even know where it is. And I am sure many people, like me, do not know where it is.

But soon, Hulu Selangor will be famous. The place will be featured every day and night on TV3 news, RTM 1 and 2 news, Bernama TV news, NST, Berita Harian, Utusan Malaysia, the Star and whatever mass media there are in this country.

And there will be loads and loads of people who will be going there. I mean not ordinary people like you and me. Big people. Like tawdally beeeg people, man. IPs. VIPs. VVIPs. VVVIPs. And their wife too. Or wives, as the case may be.

The people of Hulu Selangor are one lucky bunch I say. Why not? Christmas, to them, comes early this year. I am not saying that the people of Hulu Selangor are Christians la. Or that they are Muslims who celebrate Christmas. After all this is in Selangor. The place where Muslims are easily confused, according to some Ministers.

No. I am not saying that. It was just a manner of speaking. What I mean is they will get a lot of gifts soon. Yeeay! Horray.

I think soon, all the roads in and to Hulu Selangor will be re-paved. Redone. All the pot holes will suddenly disappear. Out of a sudden, lorries carrying black tar and the tar laying machines would appear. People will come out of them lorries and do up those roads. Where there was no budget for doing so for the past 33 years, suddenly the budget will appear. Yahooooo.

Then billboards will spring up. Satu lagi projek kerajaan BN untuk anda. Hell yeah.

Oh. Bridges. How can we forget bridges. There will be new bridges built. Even at places where there will be nobody crossing the river.

The abandoned school project somewhere in the corner of the kampung will suddenly revive. I do not know for a fact that there is an abandoned school project there, okay. But in each district in this country there will surely be one anyway. And so I am just presuming lah. Yes, suddenly the school project, which has been abandoned for the past 27 years will be revived.

Not only that. Every student in Hulu Langat, tidak kira bangsa, will be given a laptop each. Yes. A finkin new laptop each mind you. Just like in Kuala Terengganu, remember? (I wonder what has happened to the promise to give a computer to each student in Kuala Terengganu now that the BN lost that election).

Oh the surau and masjid. Yes yes. How could I forget that. All suraus and masjids in that area will get new lights. And new speakers and microphones. Plus a mighty 2500 watts pmps amplifier. So that they can blast all ceramahs, Quran recitals, azans and whatever and make the people more pious.

It's the hot season now. So they will get air-conditioners too.

Oh, the old folks. And needy ones. Yes yes. There will be bags of beras nasional for them. There will be big and noisy ceremonies where old folks and needy people will be made to endure big yawns over some speeches. Then they will be lining up to receive these bags of rice, some telurs, tepung and ikan masin, courtesy of BERNAS.

And perhaps a free ticket to Akademi Fantasia final. Plus Celcom's gift of free SMS for the people to vote for their favourite Akademi Fantasia contestant. Yeay!

Then someone will launch a Minggu Cinta Hulu Selangor. There might even be a theme song, sung by Dato' Siti Nurhaliza and Mawi (when is Mawi gonna get a Datukship eh?) of course!. And Hulu Selangor will be declared Malaysia's Centre of Eco-whatever. Hulu Selangor will get a 4 billion dollar injection every 6 months from now on. But only if the BN wins. Yes.

Meanwhile, back in Putrajaya and Bukit Aman, warnings will be issued. Nobody will be allowed to mention the "A" word. And please, no "A" mask too. Apart from "A", I think this time other alphabets are going to be banned too. Like "PKFZ". And yes. Lim Kit Siang and Tian Chua et al, please, this is Selangor, no Allah word please. Muslims here could be confused and regard you as Muslims, nanti susah!

Ah yes. The police will ban DAP and PAS from flying their flags or posters in the event PKR runs. Only PKR flags and posters are allowed. Get it?

And PKR ceramahs must be held in a small area. The speakers must not be louder than 91dB per metre watt. Yes yes. On certain nights, the police will raid the ceramahs and prevent the speakers from speaking. Because it has no permit. If it has permit, somehow or other, there will be 800 FRUs surrounding the people who attend the ceramah. To protect them la.

Two weeks before election day, there will be beautiful white tents sprouting all over town. These are like big tents. They will even be air-conditioned. Yes. These will be occupied by policemen. All 6000 of them, in all probability. These policemen are there to ensure public safety and a smooth erection, eh, election, the Home Minister will say.

They will set up road blocks. The whole town will be jammed up. The place will be so safe even an aedes mosquito would not venture out of the longkangs it sleeps in.

Hmmm..what else arr? Oh ya ya. Perkosa. Eh Perkasa. How can I forget them. Ibrahim Ali and his Pergasak fellows will come in drove. They will bring with them a huge Keris Cendana Wan Kembang Belakang each time they go there. Sometime, they will be coming with DrM. DrM will be wearing a small tengkolok ala Hang Tuah.

There will be silat gayung show preceding their speeches. Then the verbal syphilis will take place. Melayu must this and Melayu must that. Melayu owns this and Melayu owns that. Then they will all kiss the Wan Kembang Belakang keris. Then they will distribute some money to the poor in ang-pow packets courtesy of Magnum 4 nombor ekor. Awesome stuff.

After that they will all go to the police station to lodge 45 police reports against whoever. Then they will post for photographs holding a copy of the police reports. Just to prove that they have lodged a police report. Hilarity personified.

After that some of them will go back to KL in Cayenne Turbo. Irony defined.

Erm...apa lagi ek?

Dah abis modal. Korang tambah-tambah lah.

24 comments:

Dr. Maynard Goldsmith said...

Humorous article. Well done.

The Tengku Razaleigh quote up there, however, is incredibly unoriginal, and, to make it worse, is such an awkwardly constructed sentence that it turns the whole thing into flat and insipid blubber. Gandhi and Martin Luther King have issued beautiful (and inspiring) quotes on peaceful resistance yonks ago. I think you would do better (and us a service) by Googling those up.

Your retort to Zaidel (Sinatra Z) on the acceptability of the ISA was lucid and to-the-point. It appeared in The Malaysia Insider, but it appeared rather obscurely and I felt it should have been given more prominence as an opinion piece.

Frank said...

I love this....profoundly humorous, if I may be allowed to use the phrase.

edmund said...

A very good read. If only we could distribute this to the people of Ulu Selangor.

eiling lim said...

Excellent Art! You're better than any fortune tellers out there! I bet this place would be another Ijok. Lol..

Anonymous said...

what about the national treasure?

Saiful!!

Richard Cranium said...

Man, you are awesome!

You are our Malaysian version of Nostradamus.

Its...its like you have seen it all happen before and so vividly. omg, I mean, its so prescient.

Oh wait a minute, it DID happen before. Quite a few times.

Awww, man, you're not prescient after all. Just a little jaded, like all of us rakyat.

The best way to pump-prime this economy is to have each of the Pakatan MP resign every two months, and the whole economy will just lift. No need to buy RM11 billion worth of arms to defend our supposed newly discovered world's largest oil-fields.

Chong said...

I like it, man. The laughing joke of today. It's sadness ooccurance of boleh land. It's laughing stock of the world.
1 Black Malaysia Boleh.......

Anonymous said...

Ulu selangor on twitter trending topic, what say u guys?
Create a funny hashtag and make fun of them.

Dr. Adrian Wong said...

Absolutely hilarious! And unfortunately for the nation, the Hulu Selangor "erection" is likely to unfold exactly as you foresaw.

eugene ng said...

a good one,art

KC said...

Halo Art, you really blur about Hulu Selangor lah. Kejap Hulu Selangor kejap Hulu Langat. Thank God of the by-election or else who knows where it is.

Berpusu-pusu siDatuks dan Datin(s),
Menghulur sedekah, derma apa saja;
Tak payahlah penghawa dingin,
Kan Genting tu dekat saja?

Yes, this is the season of derma dan sedekah, pahala kononnya. For sure the lights of the khemah-khemah ceramah will be brighter than the firefly in Kuala Selangor. Pangkah and terima saja, rezeki hanyut jangan dibazir tapi bukalah mata sebelum pangkah!

Anonymous said...

Hi can anyone translate this to malay, and distribute to ulu selangor ( I really don't know where the hell is this place but sure will know by coming weeks.

I'm asking for help coz i'm jobless, lost a lot of money in business.

Cheers

S.N. Samy

rainstorm said...

So funny la this article....

Anonymous said...

Wonderful article.
Nothing is ever as funny as the truth.
Loved it. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Eh, you forgot to mention that Datin Ros will come to open new kelas tadika. She will be giving her normal sayang speeches that children are precious and must be nurtured correctly from young (obviously she forgot all about the poor children of A~ , who also need to be cared for). The Puteris, in all their red & white splendour, will also be joining in the fare to cheer the VVIPs - not sure what else they do actually! The Youth will also be around, with a slightly different mission, to taunt all the other youths not supporting UMNO!

funnyfella said...

Hi Art,
You miss out on MCA, lull before another storm. Without Minister Post CSL should be very free for a few more weeks to help out in Ulu Selangor before another storm hit MCA. hehe hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Yes ART,

There will ligthing loans given on the spot.Just like in Permatang Pauh.Keeping in mind they have own logistic trucks the carry the load of tooooootooooo special draw money to be distributed.Give instant loan and in return take the voting numbers.

Or like in Machap melaka, pay 200 to put the voting ticket they give and another 200 to give them the not marked ticket.Machap is DUN seat oly. Since Kuala Selangor Is Parliment then may be the offer is higer. Let say 1000 per vote may be sin Najis need seats very badly .

Or the 6000 so called blue BN ass licking personeel which headed by PIG Musang voting centre be tranfered in lightning speed so that these doggies can vote there while on duty.

Anonymous said...

Good piece of art. But how about the PKR frogs that leaps recently. Surely they will be the main speakers in the campaign.....

And more news on PKR jumping ship with their photograph taken while submitting their forms....

Anonymous said...

Hey don't forget about "klinik bergerak" during the "erection" too! It was heavily promoted back then in certain area (Was it in Ijok..?) by Puteri UMNO. How come there's none in other area leh?

Anonymous said...

Hi Art,

You forgot to add the "1" this and that in Hulu Selangor. I'm pretty sure the Perkosa and BN thugs will change "Hulu Selangor" to 1Huduh Selangor if BN loses ....LOL.

Kris said...

ROFL Art!!! Satire at it's best. And very poignant...

At least the amps arent rated in rms....

penmark_impact said...

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. ~Ronald Reagan

Anonymous said...

Jangan lupa bawa helmet pi Ulu Selangor!

Nanti kepala pecah kena botol2 orang UMNO campak! ;)

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