Loyal Followers

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Kami tak kow tow, kau tau?


To all Singapore Malays, I am writing this to tell you how lucky we all are in Malaysia. You think you all are so great, you sure have not seen how greater we, Malaysian Malays, are.

What you think? You think Johor Bharu is a place full of thieves, kidnappers and gangsters don’t you? Well, I wouldn’t blame you. Because that is what your ex-Prime Minister cum your Senior Minister cum your Minister Mental said. He did not like Malaysia because he was jealous of our success, peace and tranquility. And so he said that in an affidavit in a court proceeding. As Singapore Malays, you of course have to kow tow to your Supreme Leader and so you agreed with him, in’it? In’it?

I am sure you don’t really agree with him but you cannot say so, in’it? Because you can’t really say anything in Singapore, especially when what you wanted to say would go against what your Supremely Total leader said, in’it? Can you?

Well you know something? We Malaysian Malays can say anything we like. Of course we cannot insult Islam lah…kalau insult Islam we kena lah. But a bit only lah, not like you all in Singapore. We would only be detained without trial under the Internal Security Act. Then most probably we would have to leave Malaysia and live elsewhere. But you see, we don’t have to kow tow like you all. That’s the point, get it?

Hmm…do you know that Kia has launched a new car? Yes. It’s called Kia Soo. LOL!!!

Allow me now to continue to write in proper Queen’s English. Because my Singlish attempt in the foregoing paragraphs is really pathetic, as you could see. That is because we Malaysian Malays are taught Maths and Science in proper English. Because of that, we Malaysian Malays are so proficient in English although we are not as good as you are in Maths and Science.

The purpose of my writing this letter to you is to tell you that we, the Malaysian Malays, do not have to kow tow to anybody. We are the best Malays in the whole world. The luckiest Malays in the whole world. And the most successful Malays in the whole wide world, including the cyber world. Any other Malays, from any other country, or part of the world (including the cyber world), are just not as good or successful as us, the Malaysian Malays. They are simply at the tenth place out of ten. We, the Malaysian Malays, for your information, occupy the first nine places. That is how good we are.

I tell you what. We have a Malay astronaut. Here he is known as AngkasaOne. We even have a reserve astronaut. He is also Malay. He is known as AngkasaTwo. Don’t ask me why we mix a Malay word for “space” with an English word for the first two numbers to call them two astronauts. Perhaps that is because we want to impress that we are taught Maths in English. Yes, that must be it. Now, you all in Singapore do not have any AngkasaOne do you? See? We are better than you. And we do not have to kow tow to anybody.

We also swam across the English Channel, fully protected from jelly fish in a cage. And we have a Datukship for that. You all Singapore Malays got like that one ah? Mana ada? Of course later they was a Chinese boy who swam without the protective cage and even much faster than us the Malaysian Malays, but he did not get Datukship, you see. So we are better. And we did that without having to kow tow to anybody. You all. You kow tow also cannot do like that one, for sure (my Singlish is getting better, eh?)

Than we also have many big Malay businessmen in Malaysia. Our national carrier, MAS (not Malay Airline System, it’s Malaysia Airline System, mind you), was owned by a Malay. He made MAS the best. And one of the biggest. So much so that when he left, MAS was in such a solvent state that it could spend RM1.55 million to buy some paints in various colours splashed over some white canvas and put them in the Chairman office. And we did it without having to kow tow to anybody, kau tau?

We also have Malay businessmen who built highways from the north way up to the South. Now, had your government agreed, we would have extended that highway to your small ciku state via a second causeway. But true to your kiasu attitude, being jealous of our success and achievements (especially because we have several excellent national cars and the fact that we now have not one, but two, submarines – which mind you, can now dive in tropical waters – and also the fact that we run the “hottest race on Earth” – which is to be renamed “the monsoon-est race on Earth” – once a year), your government don’t agree to that proposal. But we always have a way. We will build a crooked and very scenic bridge on OUR side. Padan muka you all! We cannot build a straight bridge, we would build a crooked one.

More on the hottest race on Earth. We know you all are envious of our F1 Circuit, which is the best in the world (in 1999 that is). You all are so envious with this circuit. That we know. You all don’t have enough land and therefore you can’t build one. You also cannot have a F1 circuit race unless you want the F1 race to be held underwater.

So you have a street F1 race. Street race! Hah! In Malaysia, we Malaysian Malays do that every night. We call ourselves Rempits. Congratulations! You have turned the F1 drivers into Rempits! And to be different, and to kow tow to Europeans fans, you have to hold the race at night. In Malaysia, we do not kow tow, okay. Unlike you. Racing at night and on the street. Cheh!

Back to the highways. Yes. That was done by us, the Malaysian Malays. Look at how successful the highways, as a business, are. I know. In other countries, like yours, highways are built for logistical purposes but here, let me remind you, highways are primarily for business and investment purposes. As you can see, we, the Malaysian Malays are inventors of new businesses. And to top it all, even when the highways are raking it in, in terms of toll collections, our government would compensate the highway company in the hundreds of millions. And we do that, my little Singapore friends, without kow tow-ing to anybody. Nope. No kow tow, kau tau?

We, the Malaysian Malays are the masters. We excel in every fields of business. In constructions industry, we obtained contracts recently for the construction of the new palace. Not only that, we even managed to negotiate with the government, whose allocation was initially RM400 million, to increase the cost to about RM800 million. Now tell me. Can you, Singaporean Malays, do that? No way towkey.

And at international level, we managed to be an agent who put up the deal to for the Malaysian government to buy submarines. And we earned, I am told, about RM500 million for that. You think it is easy to buy submarines? No it is not I am telling you. There must be an agent to put up the deal. The government cannot just take up the phone and tell the submarine manufacturer that it wanted 2 or 3 submarines. Or ask 4 or 5 manufacturers to come for presentations and choose one of them to supply the darn submarines. No. The government needed us, the Malaysian Malays to be the agent. And of course, we do that without kow-tow. We do not have to kow tow, get it?

You all Singapore Malays, you can do like that ah? Sure kenot. You all are losers. I am sure you all supported England the other night, didn’t you? 4-1. Bumbling kow-tow-ing idiots! Golden generation konon. If that was golden, than I wonder how brass looks like!

You all have Perkasa or Gertak or not? Ha…got or not? You see, we Malaysian Malays are so lucky. We have Perkasa and Gertak to look after our rights and entitlements. That is why we do not have to kow tow to anybody like you all. We know our rights man. Our Constutilation. Yes. Our rights and entitlements are all mentioned in the Federal Constitulations. Our supremely brave and intellectually inclined leaders or Perkasa and Gertak have read them. And we believe what they say too. That is why, we do not have to kow tow to anybody. Kau tau?

So please. Don’t you make noise here and there about us Malaysian Malays. I know and the whole world know that despite you saying Johor Bharu is so full of thieves and whatever (by the way, haven’t you all heard, crime rate has gone down by 20% since KPIs were imposed, please update yourself before talking nonsense), you all just love to come to JB to buy your household items, eat in our restaurants and drive so fast on our highways (because you all do not have enough length on your roads to speed up to 130kph in your pathetic Kia Soo whatever).

So, beat it, okay. Frankly, I am in love with Singapore as much as I am in love with frozen butter during my free hotel breakfast.

We, Malaysian Malays, do not kow tow. Kau tau?

Monday, June 21, 2010

The 1 Sentence Article Series # 5: Tian Chua is Disqualified

I agree with Karpal Singh that Tian Chua is disqualified from being an MP as it is obvious that Tian Chua's fine is not less than RM2000.00 - as in fact he was fined a sum of RM2000.00 and not in any sum less than RM2000.00 - and his seat should be vacated thereby necessitating a by-election  in accordance with the law.

Humanising the Premiership

At some of time, there is a need to humanise an office, especially when the office houses the seat of power.

Quite often, that office would be a political one. The need to humanise that office arises from the realisation that a political office, and its survival,  rest on acceptance by the subjects. And acceptance, to a certain degree, in turn, rests on popularity.

Thus in Malay folklore, we would hear of instances where the Sultan would go "to the ground" disguised as a subject in order to personally find out the feeling on the ground.

Sultan Alauddin Riayat Shah (who replaced Sultan Mansur Shah as Melaka's 7th Ruler), for example, was well known for going undercover at night when he heard that the Temenggong (old day equivalent of the present day  IGP) was not doing a good job. He caught a thief trying to break into a house and promptly cut his hand and hang the hand on the verandah of the house.

Perhaps that account drew its  origin from the many legends of great leaders going undercover in order to get a feel of the people whom they ruled.

Caliph Harun al-Rashid has, for example,  often been romanticised in Islamic folklore as a charismatic and fair leader who often disguised himself as a "commoner" who walked the streets of Baghdad at night and chatted with traders and peasants.

During such night sojourn, the Caliph would be told of how the high taxes were taking a toll on the traders and his subjects. Of how the judicial officers were taking bribes. Of how the traders had to pay the police. Of how the people felt that the ruler would never ever come to the streets of Baghdad to feel the sufferings of his subject. Of how the people felt about the Ruler's seeming obsession with nice new palaces, bridges and buildings.

It therefore came as no surprise that our present Prime Minister, Dato' Sri Najib Razak, upon taking the office, would initiate a walkabout around Kuala Lumpur, boarded the LRT and went to Brickfields. After all, Tun Abdullah, before him had almost perfected the art of walkabouts.

It is a show of a fellow human being walking around fellow human beings who happened to be the former's subject. Although of course, the presence of two or three batteries of bodyguards, a platoon of camera-clicking microphone and recorder waving journalists  and the usual hangers-on almost turned the walkabouts into some sort of a farce.

If there was a small advice which I would be permitted to give in respect of the walkabout, it would be this. I would say that the Prime Minister should not form any conclusion and make public a factual opinion during or after the walkabout. Because it is near impossible for a Prime Minister - or anyone for that matter - to form an opinion on a factual matter, make a factual finding and announce his conclusion just from having a single walkabout.

There lies the problem with the Prime Minister's conclusion that the people of SS2, Petaling Jaya, were nowadays feeling "safer" after his walkabout in SS2 recently.

That conclusion - made after having walked around SS2 for the first time, perhaps in so many years - was unsubstantiated, devoid of any reasonable merit and unsubstantiated. It is also unfair to those folks in SS2 who do not feel safe in SS2. What would the nation think of them, when the Prime Minister himself has declared that the people in SS2 now feel safer?

Elsewhere, in a country where the people are completely obsessed with celebrities and images - as opposed to the real thing -  of goodness, Barrack Obama and his band of public relation officers take the cake.

The need to humanise the office is non the greater for the office of the President of the United State of America. Hence the battle cry "Change." On day one of taking the office, Guantanamo Bay - that ugly sign board  of America's neo-colonialism - was quickly announced to be closed within a year.

Other ugly advertisements of America's neo-colonialism, in the form of the Afghanistan and Iraq invasions, were slowly deconstructed by an announcements that there will be gradual withdrawal of troops.

But whether all these announcements would be seen to fruition is another thing altogether. In fact, in Obama's case,  more money has been asked by his administration for the troops in Afghanistan and Iraq, a completely opposite result from the earlier announcements. His complete and utter lame inaction over the recent Israel's atrocities only serves to cement the opinion that Barrack Obama is too good to be true.

The effort to humanise the office of the President came quite early actually. On 5th November 2008, one day after his historic win in the US Presidential election, Obama promised his daughters a "White House" puppy.

Haven't  we all known how Americans feel about celebrities? And dogs? Is there a Hollywood movie where the adorable family dog get swallowed by the raging monster which was going rampage and managed to eat two policemen and a street beggar? Or have we ever seen the nice little family Labrador get swept away by the fast flowing red hot lave from the biggest volcanic eruption ever? Not that I remember.

Obama needed to remind the US populace that he is after all a human being. A fellow American. And his family consists of fellow human beings as well. A wife and two young daughters. Not exactly the girls next door but one of "the girls" nevertheless.

What better way than to announce to the wolrd that a puppy was coming. And the whole Americans - and the world - went goo goo ga ga over what breed the puppy would be and what shall be her name? Web sites sprang to ask suggestions for the name of the yet to be identified puppy.

To my mind, the name should have been "PR" or "MediaCircus". Or something like that. But the daughters knew better. They named her "Bo." (which somehow reminds me of Lobo's "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo").


Obama had done it. Humanising his office and perhaps also, himself, by adopting a puppy named Bo.

I think there is of course a general train of thoughts within the corridors of power in Putrajaya that more efforts should be taken to further humanise our top office, thus culminating in this:


Who among us dislike cats? Not many I am sure. Especially when she is Persian.

May I suggest that "Liberty" be the name?

Friday, June 18, 2010

Newton's 3rd Law of Motion - a case study

Lex III: Actioni contrariam semper et æqualem esse reactionem: sive corporum duorum actiones in se mutuo semper esse æquales et in partes contrarias dirigi.

That was Newton's third law of motion. In English, it simply means:

Law number 3: To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction: or the forces of two bodies on each other are always equal and are directed in opposite directions.

Although I disliked - no, actually I hated - Physics when I was in school (I blame my teacher for this. He was the most boring bespectacled man ever to have walked this Earth and his sole justification for his existence was to turn this whole world into one boring place by spreading his boredom into cryptic messages masked as Physics lessons), I was rather intrigued at this particular law of motion.

I must confess that I had found this 3rd law by pure accident (it was either never taught by that bespectacled man or I was in the toilet lighting up a stick when it was taught) much later in my life when I was reading about the Physics of car racing!

The thing which I understood was this. When my race car is stationary on the track, there are actually two forces at work. One pushes the car down onto the tarmac. The other one - believe it or not - is actually pushing the car up from the tarmac! Without the force which pushes the car up, in theory at least, my car would be swallowed by the tarmac.

I was like, OMG! Really ahh?

And of course when my car is trying to V-max itself (V-max is racers' term for achieving maximum speed from your car, which in a car churning out 603 bhp, is almost completely seat-wettingly insane!), there are two forces at work too. One is pushing the car forward and one is actually hitting the car directly from the opposite direction.

Of course, I am not about to suddenly get an A+ for my Physics and change my profession (all of you who master Physics and use the darn subject to earn a living should not shudder in fear of me being a competitor, ever!).

But the thing is this. This 3rd law of motion is amply demonstrated in our daily lives.

Take Minister Idris Jala's earth-shattering announcement that Malaysia should cut and eventually stop giving subsidies to her people or else she would go the Greek way into bankruptcy by 2019.

I mean, shit man, I thought. If I don't start paying 5 bucks for a litre of Petrol soon, the country would go bankrupt Joe! Die!

And if Ali the driver and Aloysius Ang the ikan bilis seller do not pay 8 bucks for a loaf of Gardenia soon, our country would, in 2019, be bungkus-ed man. BUNG Kus (this is not a variation of Bung "my marriage is valid" Mukhtar, okay).

So, there is one force at work here. We should cut subsidy and the people should start paying the real price for essential goods. Otherwise we would go bankrupt.

But Newton's 3rd law of motion would not be complete without an opposing force, right? Yes, right.

While all of us were just trying to fathom the enormity of - and come to asshole-like grip with - the whole cut-the-subsidy-or-we-would-go-bankrupt shyte (pardon the pun, but it is inevitable, today being a Friday and all), the requisite opposite force came into the picture.

And boy, didn't it hit us like a ton of shit, eh, bricks?

Yes. We are spending RM800 million (Ringgit Malaysia Eight Hundred Million) to build a new palace for a family to live in for five years at any one time. No tender was called. Included in that awesome piece of masterful architectural and engineering project is RM130 million for a fly-over from Jalan Duta leading to the palace. And a sum of RM30 million for the upgrading of roads leading to the palace.

Awesome. I must say. Newton would have been proud.

Bankruptcy is one force. Opulent spending is the opposite force. Brilliant.

The thing which makes me go into a fit out of sheer delirium is this. The guy who tried to explain why the figure had increased from the initial RM450 million costs for that project to the current RM800 million had actually said that the RM450 million was announced before negotiation with the contractor.

Excuse me. Is there a 4th law of motion here, namely, everything which moves will move into a hole of stupidity? I don't think so, ya?

From my rudimentary knowledge of the art of negotiation, people negotiate to get the best price or deal. Not to get a deal which is far worse than the offerred deal in the first place. Now, if you apply this basic principle of negotiation, wouldn't the initial sum of RM450 million be maintained or even reduced after negotiation with the contractor?

How could the price be actually increased after negotiation. Like me asking the Punjabi looking guy at Masjid India, "eh, ini jam Lolex how much ah?" "50 ringgit Bro", came the answer. Then I say, "ermm...200 ringgit boleh?" The guy smile and say, "okay Sir, you awesome Sir."

Is that how the negotiation was done?

Then I remember sometime within not too a distant past someone big said, "there will be transparency and all contracts would be subject to a tender process." One force at work. The transparency force.

Of course, the opposite force to transparency would be the force of secrecy. Yes. The works for the construction of that project were never subject to open tender. All were done by way of "negotiated" tender. The negotiations had of course, culminated in an increase of the project value. Awesome example of the 3rd law of motion.

Frankly, I became so obsessed with this RM130 million fly-over that I had actually gone to Jalan Duta to have a look at it. I saw this. From the place where the fly-over is going to start to the palace, the distance must be about 3 kilometres, at the most. Ok lah, make it 5 km lah.

That would mean the costs of the fly-over would be 26 million Waka Waka per km. Awesome stuff here, mate.

After all the hoo-haas about the 800 million palace, I would have thought Newton's 3rd law would have been satisfied.

No. Apparently now we are going to have a new Parliament building. And guess how much the costs would be?

Yes. 800 million.

No shit.

Friday, June 11, 2010

The 1 Sentence Article Series # 4: a very wordy government

Since the PM said, during the launch of the 10th Malaysian Plan, "Competitiveness in higher value activities necessitates specialisation in terms of having a critical mass and ecosystem of firms and talent to drive economies of scale...," I would like to ask how on earth are we going to have a "critical mass and ecosystem of firms and talent" when private entities have to compete with the government itself (who itself is  active in businesses through the likes of Khazanah Nasional and various other "funds") and when talents are not appreciated and are in fact not welcome in various sectors?

Sunday, June 06, 2010

The 1 Sentence Article Series # 3 : sports betting part 3

I would like to ask Tan Sri Harussani, Dr Ridhuan Abdullah Tee, YB Zul Noordin, Minister Zahid Hamidi, YB Khir Toyo  and YB Ibrahim Ali about their respective stand on the sports betting license because normally these people are known to issue fatwas and statements against acts which they perceive to be unIslamic.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

The UKM 4 - latest development

I am informed that my learned friends, Harris Ibrahim and Ashok Kumar, have today obtained an ex-parte injunction from the KL High Court on behalf of the four UKM students who are to be subjected to disciplinary proceedings for apparently supporting a political party during the Hulu Selangor by-election recently.

The ex-parte injunction restrains the relevant party from proceeding with the disciplinary proceeding against the UKM 4 until further order (upon an inter-parte hearing) or upon the expiry of 21 days from the date of its issuance.


Sex please, we are Malaysians!

Let's face it. Malaysians are a sex-crazed lot. Period.

Just take a look at the Tongkat Ali adverts all over the place. Tongkat Ali coffee. Tongkat Ali tea. Tongkat Ali isotonic drinks. Tongkat Ali toothpaste. Yes. Even the toothpaste does not escape the Tongkat Ali treatment.

Then we have the "last longer" adverts and fliers being stuck on whatever  "stickable surface" wherever and whenever available, whether dulu, kini or selamanya. "Ubat tahan lama", followed by the phone number to be dialed. That's the usual tag.

With all these exhortations, small wonder that many Muslims in Malaysia desire to marry more than one. Some even married another one without the consent of the first one thereby incurring jail sentence and fines. This is what I call "the leakage marriage", where the second marriage would make the man's pocket leak. Some even destroyed his marriage certificate in order to conceal the second marriage. Some claimed (in fact it was the same guy who destroyed the certificate) that he did not know that he was getting married the second time. HUahahAHa...

Thus it came as no surprise when our Tokoh Nilam of the year proclaimed that he keeps fit and energetic by reading some stuffs with his wife and have sex every night. None other than the Star reported this yesterday.

I just love the title. "Award-winning teacher's secret - reading and sex."

Like, tawdally "WOW"!!

Reading the title, I was thinking that this award-winning teacher - our Tokoh Mempelam whatever - had managed to unlock the mystery of meta-universe by unifying the principles of quantum mechanics with that of ultimate ensemble.

Or at the very least, he had uncovered the secret to making the  students more alert and attentive in classes by having sex while also reading at the same time. But no. The guy was actually being interviewed after he had been awarded the Tokoh Nilam award, a state award to  "honour a teacher who has managed outstanding achievements in education."

That this utter nonsense managed to appear in the Star shows what we really are. We are as shallow as our arm pit!

I could just imagine. Just after Minister Idris Jala announced that Malaysia would go bankrupt in 2019 if subsidies were not cut and after him extolling the benefits of subsidy cutting - just after he pointed out that our national debt would equal to our GDP by 2019 and that 15.3% of the government expenditures go towards subsidies - a reporter from the Star would ask him (in tawdally yankee doo-dle-dy accent) :

Reporter : "Meestder Ministder, how did you arrive at this tawdally awesome findin?"

Minister Idris : "I tell ya...I read every night with my wife in bed and have sex with her every night dude. That's how I know."

Reporter : "Tawdally, erm...like awesome..."

I mean, there wouldn't be any question on whether there is any other way NOT to make Malaysia bankrupt, like sealing the "leakages" in our expenditures. And what about talks of 100 billions being lost during someone's reign as the Supreme Ayatollah of Opulent Projects? And not to mention about our defence expenditures even though nobody is going to war in this region (well, not that we all know of). As well as our predilections towards Mega Expensive projects which over time became even more mega expensive like the PKFZ and the likes.

No. There was to be no such question.

Back to our Tokoh Nilam Seram Peram di Dapur. Sorry. No offence meant. And I am not belittling him and his award, which I am sure he totally deserves.

He could have been asked what he has achieved to deserve the award. Or what he thinks of the education system nowadays. Or how he thinks the standard of education could be improved. Or what he thinks about the current obsession with getting 25 A1 in SPM. But no. No such question.

At the end of the day, such inane occurrence is reflective of our state of mind. To a certain extent, we have this deep obsession with sex and everything else which has something to do with sex. In fact, we could actually be a bit depraved internally.

Despite all our moral high ground posturing - which results in us objecting against Rhihana concerts and the likes, or not voting for Zaid Ibrahim etc - deep inside we are a sexual society after all. Deep down inside, we would love to talk about sex as well as, I would venture to guess, have sex all the time too.

Even our religious authorities are quite fond of voyeurism. Our TV reporters included. Even in our Parliament, our MPs talk and insinuate about sexual matters all the time.

To some people, having sex with the wife 6 times a day is a God given right. Just as the Chief Minister of Melaka saying that torturing animals with whatever injection is a God given right. Just read this report.

Sometimes, we even taped our sexual acts. Just have a look at this one. Not only that, the very same report refers to an Ali (for sure with a hell lot of Tongkat, this one!)  taking advantage of women who are caught for khalwat by offering to pay their respective fine on the condition that they would marry him!

Added to this desire for everything sexual nowadays is further spiced up with our society's (especially the Malays) predisposition towards everything mystic. I am using the word "mystic" because I want to be nice here. Actually, I should use the word "tahyul" or "mengarut."

Just look at the numbers of "seram movies" on our TV lately. We have all sorts of "hantus", "jins", "bunians" and what have you nowadays. A tourist happening to be in Malaysia would not be wrong to think that all Malaysians are obsessed with ghosts and djins. We have them in all varieties, colours, noises and fashions.

And when sex and this so called "mystic" are married, phowarr...like tawdally meletup!

Just read this tawdally aweshum story. 

Till the next sexual encounter cheerio!