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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

TMZack reports!

Roman Polanski has been spotted packing up all his belongings recently. He has even put up his Hollywood mansion for sale.

We met him yesterday and asked what is happening. "I am moving to Malacca Bro," says him.

Apparently Malacca is a small state in a country known as Malaysia, a peninsula north of Singapore - starting from a piece of rock known as the Middle Rock - and south of Thailand. We did some googling and found out that it is one of the most progressive Muslim countries in the world.

In fact apparently, Malaysia is a showcase for a tolerant Muslim majority country with a multi-ethnic population.

Efforts to elucidate the real reasons for this almost impromptu decision of his were only met with this  cryptic answer. "I want legit man...legit..I am tired of being illegit man...I want legit...and many too...maximum 4!" says Polanski.

Over in the UK, we heard Gary Glitter is also packing up his bag to move to this place Malacca. And latest we heard Woody Allen might be following suit.

Wow...we must check this place out man. Like tawdally happenin!

By the way, Bob de Niro was recently spotted in Kuala Lumpur, the bustling capital city of Malaysia. We caught up with him and asked wassup with him.

"Oh, I went there with my own money and lemme be entirely clear about that, I went there on my own and with mah own money, okay."

Er..what was he doing there?

"I was there to look for locations and to get ideas for my next movie, a movie which I am producing and acting in."

Hmm..interesting. What's it gonna be called and about? Is it the Godfather 4?

"Well, I did think of Godfather 4 but you know I wouldn't want to insult the Muslims in Malaysia. In fact I wouldn't dare insult them. They take the word "God" very seriously you know. And God does not have a father to them and I was kinda like thinkin' you know, Godfather would mean that God has a father you know what I mean, and so I was kinda like afraid about that and so I stopped thinkin' about Godfather 4 in Malaysia man..."

"I am now thinkin' of doing a light comedy man...called Meet the Mother Fokkers" you know....a kinda like prequel to Meet the Fokkers...yeah...am thinkin' of Barbra Streisand and Hoffman again man...but with a Malaysian actress as well...maybe Maya Karin...delectable man...delectable...the movie I mean."

"Then I was thinkin' of doing a court drama  called Anal-ised This or That too. But I am not too sure yet man...yea. It's gonna be cool man...a man accused of doin' anal sex with another man  and then the other man  says it was consensual although the charge says non-consensual and then in the middle of it all, oh man...I don't want to reveal too much man..."

"Oh, do tell us Bob..."

"Well, you know, a bit more eh..in the middle of it, it kinda goes surreal a bit...like the victim had an affair with one of the prosecutor man...kinda like that...oh ho ho...you love it dontcha? Kinda like Serpico meets And Justice For All ya know? I think I am gonna ask Al to be the prosecutor."

"Oooh...we can't wait Bob."

Latest. We found out OJ Simpson is thinking of moving to Malaysia too.

"Ah wanna be a Malay in Malaysia dude. There ah can be a Malay if ah wanted to. Yeah...in fact anybody could be a Malay there dude. Just convert to Islam, speak Malay and live like a Malay. Not difficult man..."

"Er...why would you want to do that OJ?"

"Hey man...America is da shit for black man like me dude. They say me a killah and all dude. Am not gonna take that kinda shit no more dude. Am gonna be a Malay and get me some privileges dude."

Latest about Sean Connery.

"I am going to Malaysia too!"

Wow...like everybody is Sean. Wassup?

"Oh, I am thinking of doing a movie based on a true story there."

"Oh, another James Bond, Sean?"

"Naah...it's The Hunt for  Red October 2."

"Wow...that submarine movie again?"

"Yes, only this time it's based on real story."

We can't wait.

Paris Hilton was spotted at a pharmacy at the corner of Sunset Boulevard recently. With apparently a new boyfriend, a chubby guy who happens to be a Chinese. We caught up with her.

"Paris, what's with the grass in South Africa and Paris, Paris?"

"Oh, grass? That's my trainer tellin' me, like green is good, you know what I mean, like no fat, cholesterol and stuffs? So I kinda like took some...inhaled some, felt good, people...then they arrested me. Jeez...wet blanket!"

"Oh..who's your new boyfriend Paris?"

"Oh...he is kinda like so cute ya? Kinda like Winnie-the- Pooh kinda cute eh? He's so fine ya know. Millionaire when he was 20 ya know. Kinda like tawdally rich. Studied in Farton..."

"Wharton you mean?"

"Wharton, Farton, whatever...hey ya know, he is a state swimmer too. He's from Malaysia."

"Wow, they must have huge swimming pools in Malaysia. Heard he spent 2 million sterling pound buying you champagne?"

"Oh, oh...you knew 'bout that? He's so thoughtful ya know. The other day he bought 1 million dollar worth of nail clippers for me ya know..."

"Wow, what's the story there Paris?"

"Oh, we were in a pharmacy ya know. I needed a nail clipper. Spotted my ex buying a nail clipper too. So it became kinda like a competition ya know. I told him to buy two, and my ex bought three and 3 hours later, he spent like a million bucks on nail clippers...he's tawdally hawt and awesome ya know...guess what?"

"What?"

"He won! My ex gave up after 700k! Isn't that kinda cool?"

"Wow...what's his name?"

"I call him J Low. Hope Jenny's not angry tho'. Goodbye people...tada."

That's all peeps. Tune in tomorrow for more.

25 comments:

C++ said...

Bhai Art...

Veli funny... hahaha.... how come Shah Rukh Khan never want to migrate to Malacca..

He can also befriend with Rahim Thamby Chik... hahaha

Anonymous said...

LOL! Outrageous!

-Kevin-

Rovin Hood said...

Seriously....I can't wait for the release of "The Hunt For the Red October 2" !!

· 康华 · said...

good one! never thought of it.

Anonymous said...

great piece, man!

Anonymous said...

Art,

I also heard that Mugabe is moving to Malaysia. Seems like he's finished with Zimbabwe and nothing left him to steal there. He's bringing with him some FDI to build a new crooked bridge from Malacca to Sumatra but rumors are rife the crooked bridge idea is a whitewash and he will be compensated for the abandoned project.

Also heard from the grapevine that Bin Laden has applied for the M2H program but the Home Ministry wants him to join DUMNO or Perkosa first before approving his application.

telur dua said...

There's no need to hunt those local Red Octobers. They are sitting ducks.

May I suggest the new title of 'Red October 2 ~ Turkey Shoot.'

eugene ng said...

Art take up the offer of becoming
a stand-up comedian

kang said...

Johnny Depp also want to jump into the bandwagon since we have a new sex haven state.

Pirates of The Caribbean:On Stranger Tides, which is schedule to open on 20 May, 2010 will be given a new name.

Pirates of The Caribbean aka Pirates of Malaysian 4 sequel.Waka adios amigo.

Anonymous said...

OMG, u bursted me with that meet the Mother Fokkers! Cant stop LOL!

Polly on a cracker said...

Cracking up dude!! You tickled the funny-bug in me...

What about the other movie....On the 7th Day!! Arnie (the terminator governor)
The story goes; First he was governor, then he wasn't, then he was, then he wasn't, then....he wasn't sure what he was because he was cloned into an Indian dude (Arnie is taking acting lessons from that Indian actor in Perak Government. What's his him...??)

Captain Obvious said...

Kyaaaaah!!!!! Its... its Sean Connery, the worldsh shexiesht man!!!!!

Anyway, where is George Lucas??? We need him for our Sodomy Wars II, Clone of the Attack!!!

Cheers!

Tiger said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
You made my day!

Anonymous said...

Actually, the title of Johnny Depp's Made in Malaysia movie is "Pirates of the CuriBeeAn" LOL!
On another topic, Perkasa is actually the illegitimate offspring of Umno and led by the biggest Bastard of them all!

The said...

Ang Lee is also relocating to Mah-Liu-Chia to do a sequel called "Brokeback Gunung". His idea is to use local talents such as Saiful Bukhari Azlan and Khairil Annas bin Jusoh for the sequel.

Anonymous said...

dont you dare stop writing...heheheh

Anonymous said...

Dear writer,
I have had the privilege of reading your articles here. The blog name suits you. What i put here may not be agreeable to you or to most of your ardent fan, but alas this is a free world (at least internet is).
Like most of the anti-guv blog that i come across, yours is awfully direct and at times frustrated to read because as a ‘failed government product’ I would think it will be a more constructive writings instead of all bashing with nothing to spare.
Your writings are entertaining for Malaysians who rejects the current government (or even for most people who has no clue why the guv is so bad, but since its a trend to hate the guv, why not join the ship). No doubt that you do give credits where its due. But why choose to highlight all the negativity, and ignore what the government as whole has done to the people? Goodness, perhaps most of your readers haven’t had the chance to live abroad and taste a different life. Im sure we will realize, this nation is not so bad after all.
There is no sense of proud here.People are not happy at being associated with Msia. Generally people think the life outside will treat them better. Perhaps.
Appologize in pointing this out, but i sensed your Chinese commentators are worse. How can the country trust the Chinese if they are selfish? Not everything revolves around money. You count every cent that you pour onto the land.Now thats selfish.
If people bash your race, your country and your religion, in my humble opinion we are suppose to give them a tough time.
Perhaps to the Chinese and Indian readers and to the ignorant Malays – This might be a good read.
~Sad~

http://www.khairul-syahir.com/topics/history/2008/the-malaysian-social-contract.html

art harun said...

Dear Anon of 12 August 2010 17:17,

Thank you for dropping by and taking the time to read and even comment.

Allow me to respond to your post.

I don't bash up the government just because it is fashionable to do so. Nor do I do it just for the sake of doing it and nothing more.

I criticise the government - I have said it before and I am repeating it here - because they are the government, the people who rule all of us. When there is something I think is wrong, I would say it. You can say that I am demanding customer.

I do admit that sometime I just bash them and do nothing to provide an alternative way to make things better. But not all the time.

You can read all my articles about Islam, racial harmony, human rights, the Constitution, the social contract etc. There I believe I have provided for ways to make this country and all of us better. But does anybody hear me?

Your comment about my Chinese readers may or may not be true. I don't know really. Of course within the Chinese community there will be people who are selfish. No argument there. But my general observation is that they have had enough of what they perceive as injustice, unfairness and discrimination in this country. I could be wrong though. But that's my perception.

And not only the Chinese are complaining. The Indians and the Malays are complaining too.

As for pride for the country, let me tell you unequivocally that I am proud to be a Malaysian and of my country Malaysia.

I am just embarrassed at the shenanigans.

said...

希望能常常看到你的更新............................................................

Sasa said...

Dear Art you rock!

"Sad" is one of those brown-nose types that would like the status quo to continue so that he/she can benefit from the existing corrupt system.

Poking fun at the ills of society is better than taking up arms like terrorists-the aim is to change society and give ordinary powerless folks a chance to live better lives.

It is the mark of a true patriot to highlight the shortcomings and foibles of a government that has tunnel vision.

Parody of Bolehland said...

Art
You should be awarded the Palme d'Or or Conde Nast traveler award for such gems story on BolehLand.

Bet you missed out Godfather's interview which I put on my blog-'When Hollywood Meets BolehLand' Here goes.

Reporter: So Godfather what was your impression of BolehLand and first lady meeting?
RDN: I thought I landed in Hollywood than BolehLand - make belief, fake and exaggerated stuff you know. Well, what wasn't Hollywood was they could have a prettier lead lady though. And you know even if it's BolehLand-wood version of Hollywood, there were some things which my Godfather role helped to spot real things though?
Reporter: And what in BolehLand that you saw were real stuff and not Hollywood fakes.
RDN: Oh as a Godfather before, I met real criminals and crooks you know!
Reporter: You mean they have mafia there?
RDN: No, they call them politicians and their wives!

Think that will win be the C4 or ISA Award! :p

守何何何韋 said...

財富並非永遠的朋友,但朋友卻是永遠的財富。......................................................................

Justine said...

LAWL MAN.

Most hilarious yet relevant piece I've read in ages!

江仁趙雲虹昆 said...

愛,拆開來是心和受兩個字。用心去接受對方的一切,用心去愛對方的所有。......................................................................

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