PMA: Hello everyone, I am Paula Malai Ali, and welcome to the pilot programme of “Money, and Nothing Else Matters.” Our special guest tonight is Mr Art Harun, a not too well known cynic-at-large. Hi Art, can I call you Art? Welcome to the show. Gosh, you are looking kinda hot…”
AH: Thank you. Yea, I am feeling hot. Is your air-cond working? And yea, you can either call me Art, or call me later, I am cool with that, yes yes..
PMA: Ooops, sorry, we had a power failure for 8 hours just now and power was just restored and I guess the air-cond needs time to power up.
AH: Oh, okay. “Nothing Else Matters” huh? That’s a Metallica song, in’it?
PMA: Erm....Metal-lick who?
AH: Oh, never mind…
AH: Paula, before you start asking me questions, can I ask you a question? Who produces this programme?
PMA: Oh, it's a pilot show by Asstro, your ultimate best-in-the-world cable TV. Enjoy Asstro's new product Art. It's called "B-yawn." It redefines the word "reruns." Oh dontcha just love reruns Art? If you do, subscribe to Asstro's B-yawn now. Missing In Action is being rerun-ed now. So is American Ninja 1, 2 ans 3. For the 89th time, mind you.
AH: Oh, Asstro B-yawn eh? Isn't re-running old movies too many times some sort of a con-job? I mean who in the world would want to watch Chuck blinkin Norris in HD la dey?
PMA: No, no. Asstro is not a con-job. In every cable TV, there must be re-run. I mean, cable TV is invented to make re-runs cool, didn't you know that?
AH: As I remember it, Asstro says they will not have commercials. But now it is full of commercials every 15 minutes on all it's channels? How come?
PMA: Oh err...err...let's get on with the interview shall we? You know, the interview where it is ME who is supposed to ask you questions?
AH: Oh, okay. By the way, you are hot Paula. You are so hot in that checkered thingy....
PMA: Oh mah Gawd, Oh mah gawd, OMG. How did you know. Gosh, I am so ...
AH: Err... why are so jumpy? I meant to say you looked great in the Checkered Flag programme.
PMA: Oh, heheheh... Oh my God, I though you saw me in my checkered undies. Good grief. Thank you. Okay. Let's get on with it. Art, what's your opinion on Taib Mahmud's decision to step down as Sarawak's Chief Minister after the Sarawak election next week?
AH: Oh, erm...you know I heard Taib Mahmud became Chief Minister in 1872 or something. I mean I admire that guy you know. He and his strength. Married a young wife some more. He is the man, Paula. Da man. I am sure he is so full of semangat you know. He made old people fashionable you know. I don't think he should resign just as yet. He should continue until, erm...until Malaysia enters the football World Cup final maybe, you know. Maybe until Sarawak hosts the World Cup final even, you know. Sarawak and Sarawakians still need his leadership you know. And patronage too you know. Really he shouldn't. I am gutted to hear the news. Really.
PMA: About three weeks ago he said he was going to leave in about three years time because he needs to ensure a smooth transition and a proper leadership to replace him, Art. Why do you think now, three weeks later, he wants to leave after next week?
AH: Oh well Paula, in politics three weeks is a long long time you know. Maybe his new wife wants him to spend more time with her you know. Or maybe he wants to concentrate on his businesses. Or maybe he sensed that some people want him to go. But that can't be you know. I mean, who would want him to go right? He's such a great leader. He has brought untold wealth, richness and welfare to Sarawak. I mean, look at them in Sarawak. Fuiyoh, look at all those gravel stone "highways" and all the forest which have been cleared for development and those, those, those, errr...what else, those nice long houses with water from the wells, err...those...er...you know what I mean lah Paula. Those Sarawakians shouldn't be such ingrates you know. Say thank you la to him by voting for him. Show some gratitude lah.
PMA: You know Art, people say he is worth billions. He and his family own businesses and properties around the world which are worth billions. What do you say about that?
AH: Hey, just because he is the Chief Minister doesn't mean he or his family members cannot do business no? You mean they cannot own property ah? Where got fair one like that? You know, it just so happens that his family members are great businessmen lah. That's how they make money. So, give him some credit lah. He's made his money through sheer brilliance and great business acumen la okay. Give him a break okay.
PMA: You mean only great businessmen can make money if government gives them free APs and impose a condition that all imported cars must have APs?
AH: Of course lah. If they are not great businessmen, how could they get free APs in the first place? Can you get free APs? Can I get some? No, right? That is because we are not great businessmen. Only truly great businessmen can do that. After you get free APs, it takes greatness and business acumen to sell them for at least RM30k each you know. You think simply simply can sell ah?
PMA: I have done a little calculation Art. If Taib earned a million a year as salary, he would have 30 million ringgit after serving Sarawak for 30 years right? But people are now saying he's got billions? It does not add up. What do you say?
AH: Haiyah, ok la, lemme tell you a top secret. This is so secret that even the CIA and MI5 are involved okay. You see, Taib and his family have been helped by an alien to make lotsa money okay? You know the Roswell aliens, you know the Area 51 thingy? Well actually it's true. There were 3 aliens actually. Only 2 are left. One escaped and ended up in Sarawak. This one alien has helped Taib and his family to make money. Okay? Please lah. It's legit okay.
PMA: OMG! What a revelation! Err..where is that alien now?
AH: Apparently it has co-mingled with human and gave birth to many humans. Some of them have become MPs and they could be found in our Parliament. Read some of the statements by our MPs to the public every day and I am sure you would know which one of them originate from this alien. I am not telling who in particular okay. Enough information. Shit. My life could be in danger now.
PMA: Err...okay. What's your take on the latest death at MACC's building?
AH: Suicide lah, what else. MACC don't go around pushing people out of buildings la please. You know, I think the cyber news people have not been fair to MACC. Once there is a death at MACC office, they quickly say MACC is to blame. Be fair lah. I know lah there is no death in other agency offices yet but be fair la to MACC. Soon I am sure there will be death in Immigration office or the Fire Brigade office lah. Because of all these bad press on the internet about MACC nowadays, even that Korean group the Wonder Girls also say that MACC stands for Malaysian Agency for Committing Chewside lorrr... Unfair la, really unfair. Kesian dierang tau. Dierang kejer kuat you tau? Sampai pegi Court to argue that they should have the right to work at night! Mana ada employee fight for the right to work at night you tell me?
PMA: Seriously, two suicides by jumping off from MACC building in two years?
AH: Ya la, what to do? If people come to MACC office in the morning on a motorbike to commit suicide at MACC office in mid-morning, what the heck could MACC do? What? I mean, if after this interview, I go to Asstro's toilet and drown myself in the toilet bowl, what can Asstro do? What? Tell me. What?
PMA: MACC have responded by saying that from now onwards all interrogation will be done on ground floor only. What do you think about that?
AH: That is just McCellent, you know. Hahhahaha...sorry, pardon the pun. Hehe...can't help it. It is so McFunny. HuahaHahah...sorry again. What was your McQuestion again?
Oh ya..what do I think about the ground floor thingy. Okay. You know, I think MACC should be wiser lah. I mean, jumping off the building from the 3rd or 14th floor is not the only way to commit suicide lah, kan? You interrogate the flers on ground floor pun, they can still jump onto the chair or table and then jump off the chair or table and break their legs no? Worst still, they break their neck and die oso can. How? Or I tell you, they go on top of the table and then their head got caught by the ceiling fans and severed, how? Mati jugak kan?
Or the interrogate-ee could go to the loo unattended and suddenly he gets drowned in the toilet sink. How? So frankly I think this interrogation-on-ground-floor only policy is not going to prevent suicide lah.
PMA: What do you think would be the solution for MACC?
AH: Simple. MACC should have CCTV covering every inch of their work area. There must be live feed from these CCTV to a web site. The public can view this live feed by paying a small fee. This way MACC can show to the world that their interrogations are professionally done. MACC can also earn good money. You know lah, after all, we Malaysians love to watch live action on the net kan.
MACC can also put up a sign on every wall at their office. The sign can say, "Rasuah itu haram. Suicide lagi haram. Jauhilah dari rasuah dan suicide." Something like that.
PMA: You are so brilliant Art.
AH: Ehem, thank you.
PMA: By the way, many people wonder with a name like Art, are you Malay?
AH: Of course I am Malay. I may have Siamese blood from my mother and a bit of Keralan-Malayali-Sri-Lankan mix from my paternal grandfather and grandma side plus a little Chinese-Yunan mixture from my maternal great grandfather side, but read my lips, okay, I AM MALAY! I am, really.
I am also constitutionally Malay. I mean, I am Muslim. I speak Malay half the time. And I practice the Malay customs, like I eat rice and sambal belacan. So I am Malay. Yes. I am Malay. Really. Sumpah.
PMA: Okay, okay, you don't need to be defensive.
AH: Who is being defensive? I am Malay. Also, I forget to mention, like many Malays, I senang naik semngat you know. Actually I am looking at you now Paula, my semangat already naik ni. So later I will speed home in my Malay car, the Inspira, and when I arrive home I would instantly rush to my wife and tell her to attend to my semangat yang dah melonjak-lonjak ni. I don't care whether she is cooking, or praying, or ironing or whatever okay. She just has to stop and have sex with me. See? You need any more proof?
PMA: Err...no. Okay. Too much information Art. Anyway, Let's move on. What do you think of Minister Nazri's statement that there should be a Royal Commission of Inquiry on the Dato' T sex video?
AH: You know, Dato' T made a mistake.
AH: They should have put the whole video on You Tube. The whole video. You see, when people see the size of that man's dick, I am sure many will confess that they are the man in the video. Trust me on this. No need Royal Commission lah. So many already.
By the way, under the Commission of Enquiry Act 1950, a commission can only be established to inquire into matters which relate to:
(a) the conduct of any federal officer;
(b) the conduct or management of any department of the public service of Malaysia; or
(c) the conduct or management of any public institution which is not solely maintained by State funds.
The sex video in my esteemed and learned opinion does not come under any of those things.
Other than those situations, a commission can only be established if in the opinion of the Yang di-Pertuan Agong, the establishment of a commission would be for the public welfare.
Tell me how would an inquiry into a sex video be for the public welfare. Unless of course, someone could prove that the Malaysian economy depends entirely on whether Anwar Ibrahim bonking a sex worker or not. Or the health of this nation depends on the size of Anwar's dick. Then, in my not so humble opinion, the establishment of the commission would arguably be for the public welfare.
PMA: But Anwar aspires to be the PM. Don't you think it would be in the interest of the public welfare to know whether it was him in the video?
AH: Well, if so then let's have a commission of inquiry to inquire into the private life of all of our MPs. What they eat, drink and who they screw? What do you think Paula? Shall I inquire into your private acts also please?
PMA: *blushing* oh erm...erm...you notty guy! What about the Omega watch?
AH: I don't know. I wear Seiko. You know lah. Our police is one of the most, if not THE most thorough, police force in the constellation. So it's their job and duty lah I suppose, for them to investigate into the ownership of the Omega watch.
You know actually ah, I think, this whole episode of this sex video ah...it is commissioned by Omega as a marketing ploy you know. Bloody hell. Don't anybody realise it? How much free publicity Omega has had from this sex video? Huh? You all morons or what? Hallo. Wake up and smell it man. Why must it be me who could know this kinda thing ah? Hallo.
PMA: What do you think of the Al-Kitab issue Art? Don't you think it is reasonable for the Christians to print the Bible in Bahasa Melayu?
AH: No. It is not reasonable. The Muslims can be confused you know. I mean the Muslims' Allah and the Christians' Allah are different. Muslims should read the Quran. Not the Bible. If the Muslims read the Malay Bible, habis lah. Tergugatlah aqidah dierang. Apa ni? You know, we Muslims are weak you know. Our faith is very weak too. It is easy for us to leave Islam and convert you know. I mean, if I pakai jersey Manchester United ker, jersey England ker, menari poco-poco ker I can already convert to Christianity tau. Ini kan pulak I baca Bible in Bahasa Melayu, habis lah I. Sure masuk Kristian punya. So please lah, keep the Bible in English or Hebrew or whatever. Not in Bahasa Melayu.
PMA: But didn't Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) say "seek knowledge even from China"? And the first Quranic verse was "Iqra'" which means "read or recite"?
AH: Ya lah. But the Prophet and Quran never say please read the Bible in Bahasa Melayu, did it?
PMA: But logically how to seek knowledge in China if one does not read their scriptures and teachings, for example?
AH: That was what I was trying to tell you Paula. The Prophet never said please read the Bible in Bahasa Melayu, did he? Haiyah. Please lah.
You see, the Muslims are not supposed to understand what they read. Understanding is the privilege of the ulamaks. Mere mortal Muslims like me are only supposed to follow what the ulamaks say, you see. So, Bible dalam Bahasa Melayu orang Islam takleh baca, okay?
PMA: Okay, lastly but not the least, what do you say about the murder of a seven year old student in a religious school?
AH: That is sad isn't it?
PMA: Yes, it is sad. What do you think should be done?
AH: I think the teacher should be interrogated by MACC on the ground floor of their office.
PMA: Well thank you for being here Art. Good night.
AH: Taa daa Paula.
Post production script: Paula Malai Ali has not been in any way harmed in the production of this script. Art Harun holds the patent for the checkered flag undies.