Hope this letter finds you in excellent good health, amidst your busy schedules as Christmas, and hence, Christmas eve approaches.
I know. This letter is a bit late. But I hope it is okay with you. Actually, I had posted a hard copy of this letter in January this year using Pos Laju. Recently however, that letter was returned and marked “return to sender.”
I called up Pos Laju to find out the reason for this letter being so returned. This was how the conversation went (I hope you don’t mind. It’s in the original language. I am sure as a saint, you would understand it anyway).
Pos Laju girl: Hello, selamat pagi dan salam 1Malaysia Encik.
Me: Hi, selamat pagi.
PL girl: Eh, erm..Encik Melayu?
Me: Ya, saya.
PL girl: Assalamualaikum Encik. Boleh saya bantu?
Me: Mualaikummusalam. Saya sebenarnya nak tanya ni. Kenapa surat saya yang saya kirim bulan Januari lepas dikembalikan? Alamatnya Santa Claus, TheOnlyOne, North Pole.
PL girl: Oh, tunggu jap yer, saya cek.
…3 minutes later…
PL girl: Terima kasih Encik kerana menunggu. Erm…sebenarnyer Cik, surat Encik tu haram.
Me: Haram? Ada surat haram dan halal ke sekarang ni?
PL girl: Eh, ada Encik. Semua surat kena cek dulu halal ke haram. Kalau haram, kami takleh hantar Encik. Masuk neraka nanti. Surat kepada Santa Claus tu haram Encik. Sebab Santa Claus tu ialah seorang santo Kristian.
Me: Oh, itu kes berat tu Dik. Neraka jahanam ke?
PL girl: Ye Bang, eh, Encik. Neraka jahanam.
Me: You tau tak, perkataan “jahanam” tu sebenarnyer kan, adalah dari perkataan Yahudi “gehenna” you tau. Itu tempat dier orang bakar anak-anak lelaki dier orang dulu-dulu tau, kat Lembah Hinnom. Perkataan tu pun haram Dik. Yahudi tu!
PL girl: Iyer ker? Hamaigod.
Me: So, surat haram you all takleh hantar la yer?
PL girl: Takleh Bang, eh, Encik.
Me: Ada tak surat CIMB ker, Maybank atau RHB ker you all hantar?
PL girl: Ada gak. Kenapa?
Me: Surat-surat bank yang kenakan bunga atau faedah ni haram you all tau tak? Surat Bank Islam dan Muamalat jer yang you leh hantar. Itu halal.
PL girl: Yer ker Encik?
Me: Yer lah.
PL girl: Habis orang Islam yang makan gaji kat bank-bank tu gaji dierang halal ker haram Encik?
Me: Tak tahu ler saya. Kena tanya JAKIM lah. Kita orang biasa mana tahu. Okay, assalamualaikum.
PL girl: Wassalam.
I hope you wouldn’t be upset because you are deemed haram in my country. You are not alone however. Recently, a book on Lee Kuan Yew – yes, that guy who always ask you to turn Singapore into a continent every Christmas – was also deemed haram. Oh, a book on Doraemon had also be deemed haram before.
The only wonder I have is why is it that books like Hikayat Hang Tuah, Merong Mahawangsa, Sejarah Melayu and Hikayat Inderaputera or Anggun Cik Tunggal have not been declared haram. As you might know dear Santa, those folklore contain all sorts of stories about magic stones, super human powers, the ability to see the future and sprinkled with Hindu elements. Some of the books are even mandatory reading in our schools. Don’t you think they should be declared haram too yah?
While we are it, hey, haven’t you read what some Saudi clerics said recently? Yes. They said if the women are allowed to drive, there will not be any virgins left. Hahahah…this dear Santa, is definite proof that women love having sex while driving.
In Malaysia you see, a recent Durex survey revealed that 39% of women cheat their partner while only 33% of men do so. Perhaps that’s because women in Malaysia drive a lot, no?
Then we also have some dunggus somewhere declaring that women should not be left alone with bananas, cucumbers, zucchinis and the likes. Apparently they should be accompanied by their relatives or husband to confront such lustful objects of (sexual) desire.
I am now just afraid that we in Malaysia might just decide to catch up with these mullahs and start declaring soon that men should not be left alone with papayas and watermelons.
I know you are busy. So, let me be direct about what I want for Christmas this year.
Well, before that, allow me to explain why I believe in you, even though there is not an iota of evidence that you exist.
You see, I am Malay. I believe in Hang Tuah and the keris which he obtain by conning Taming Sari, the Javanese warrior. Well, the name of that keris is also Taming Sari, you see. Just quite why Hang Tuah did not change the name of the keris to Hang Tuah or Proton Saga or whatever after he took it away from Taming Sari is beyond me to comprehend.
I and almost all Malays believe in Hang Tuah and Taming Sari, even though there is not a shred of evidence, other than folklore storytelling, that they existed. And recently, one of our so called leaders even described the Internal Security Act as equivalent to the Taming Sari, which, according to him, is the weapon which was to protect our (the Malays) interests.
I know. David Cameron will never say that the English interests are to be protected by the Excalibur. And the Norwegian Prime Minister of course will not say that Thor’s hammer was supposed to protect Scandinavia. That’s because they are idiots who do not believe in their own folklore. I for one believe dear Santa, even though I am not Scandinavian, in the Valkyrie!
Anyway, I digress.
The reason for this e-letter is to tell you what I want for Christmas this year.
I would like to have, dear Santa, please please please, grovel grovel grovel, a tunnel which is not so smart, but which actually works.
I have been a really really good boy this year. So I think I am entitled to two requests. My next request is this. I read a report yesterday that TNB expects to record losses in the first quarter of 2012 as long as it has not yet received the cash from Petronas and the government. The report says that “the company's president and CEO Che Khalib says the cash-flow position of TNB is still in critical position until it receives the cash from the government and Petronas.”
Okay. Here’s my next request.
Please dear Santa, grant me the intelligence and wisdom to understand how a company which owns a monopoly business of providing an essential item to 27 million people plus all the investors and businesses in the whole country could record losses and have cash flow problems if the government or the nation’s cash cow, Petronas did not help?
I know. This will be hard for you dear Santa. But please at least try to grant me this one.
Thanking you in anticipation.
p.s. Salam to all the elves.