Loyal Followers

Friday, December 16, 2011

Dear Santa…

Hi there.

Hope this letter finds you in excellent good health, amidst your busy schedules as Christmas, and hence, Christmas eve approaches.

I know. This letter is a bit late. But I hope it is okay with you. Actually, I had posted a hard copy of this letter in January this year using Pos Laju. Recently however, that letter was returned and marked “return to sender.”

I called up Pos Laju to find out the reason for this letter being so returned. This was how the conversation went (I hope you don’t mind. It’s in the original language. I am sure as a saint, you would understand it anyway).

Pos Laju girl: Hello, selamat pagi dan salam 1Malaysia Encik.

Me: Hi, selamat pagi.

PL girl: Eh, erm..Encik Melayu?

Me: Ya, saya.

PL girl: Assalamualaikum Encik. Boleh saya bantu?

Me: Mualaikummusalam. Saya sebenarnya nak tanya ni. Kenapa surat saya yang saya kirim bulan Januari lepas dikembalikan? Alamatnya Santa Claus, TheOnlyOne, North Pole.

PL girl: Oh, tunggu jap yer, saya cek.

…3 minutes later…

PL girl: Terima kasih Encik kerana menunggu. Erm…sebenarnyer Cik, surat Encik tu haram.

Me: Haram? Ada surat haram dan halal ke sekarang ni?

PL girl: Eh, ada Encik. Semua surat kena cek dulu halal ke haram. Kalau haram, kami takleh hantar Encik. Masuk neraka nanti. Surat kepada Santa Claus tu haram Encik. Sebab Santa Claus tu ialah seorang santo Kristian.

Me: Oh, itu kes berat tu Dik. Neraka jahanam ke?

PL girl: Ye Bang, eh, Encik. Neraka jahanam.

Me: You tau tak, perkataan “jahanam” tu sebenarnyer kan, adalah dari perkataan Yahudi “gehenna” you tau. Itu tempat dier orang bakar anak-anak lelaki dier orang dulu-dulu tau, kat Lembah Hinnom. Perkataan tu pun haram Dik. Yahudi tu!

PL girl: Iyer ker? Hamaigod.

Me: So, surat haram you all takleh hantar la yer?

PL girl: Takleh Bang, eh, Encik.

Me: Ada tak surat CIMB ker, Maybank atau RHB ker you all hantar?

PL girl: Ada gak. Kenapa?

Me: Surat-surat bank yang kenakan bunga atau faedah ni haram you all tau tak? Surat Bank Islam dan Muamalat jer yang you leh hantar. Itu halal.

PL girl: Yer ker Encik?

Me: Yer lah.

PL girl: Habis orang Islam yang makan gaji kat bank-bank tu gaji dierang halal ker haram Encik?

Me: Tak tahu ler saya. Kena tanya JAKIM lah. Kita orang biasa mana tahu. Okay, assalamualaikum.

PL girl: Wassalam.

I hope you wouldn’t be upset because you are deemed haram in my country. You are not alone however. Recently, a book on Lee Kuan Yew – yes, that guy who always ask you to turn Singapore into a continent every Christmas – was also deemed haram. Oh, a book on Doraemon had also be deemed haram before.

The only wonder I have is why is it that books like Hikayat Hang Tuah, Merong Mahawangsa, Sejarah Melayu and Hikayat Inderaputera or Anggun Cik Tunggal have not been declared haram. As you might know dear Santa, those folklore contain all sorts of stories about magic stones, super human powers, the ability to see the future and sprinkled with Hindu elements. Some of the books are even mandatory reading in our schools. Don’t you think they should be declared haram too yah?

While we are it, hey, haven’t you read what some Saudi clerics said recently? Yes. They said if the women are allowed to drive, there will not be any virgins left. Hahahah…this dear Santa, is definite proof that women love having sex while driving.

In Malaysia you see, a recent Durex survey revealed that 39% of women cheat their partner while only 33% of men do so. Perhaps that’s because women in Malaysia drive a lot, no?

Then we also have some dunggus somewhere declaring that women should not be left alone with bananas, cucumbers, zucchinis and the likes. Apparently they should be accompanied by their relatives or husband to confront such lustful objects of (sexual) desire.

I am now just afraid that we in Malaysia might just decide to catch up with these mullahs and start declaring soon that men should not be left alone with papayas and watermelons.

Oh well.

I know you are busy. So, let me be direct about what I want for Christmas this year.

Well, before that, allow me to explain why I believe in you, even though there is not an iota of evidence that you exist.

You see, I am Malay. I believe in Hang Tuah and the keris which he obtain by conning Taming Sari, the Javanese warrior. Well, the name of that keris is also Taming Sari, you see. Just quite why Hang Tuah did not change the name of the keris to Hang Tuah or Proton Saga or whatever after he took it away from Taming Sari is beyond me to comprehend.

I and almost all Malays believe in Hang Tuah and Taming Sari, even though there is not a shred of evidence, other than folklore storytelling, that they existed. And recently, one of our so called leaders even described the Internal Security Act as equivalent to the Taming Sari, which, according to him, is the weapon which was to protect our (the Malays) interests.

I know. David Cameron will never say that the English interests are to be protected by the Excalibur. And the Norwegian Prime Minister of course will not say that Thor’s hammer was supposed to protect Scandinavia. That’s because they are idiots who do not believe in their own folklore. I for one believe dear Santa, even though I am not Scandinavian, in the Valkyrie!

Anyway, I digress.

The reason for this e-letter is to tell you what I want for Christmas this year.

I would like to have, dear Santa, please please please, grovel grovel grovel, a tunnel which is not so smart, but which actually works.

I have been a really really good boy this year. So I think I am entitled to two requests. My next request is this. I read a report yesterday that TNB expects to record losses in the first quarter of 2012 as long as it has not yet received the cash from Petronas and the government. The report says that “the company's president and CEO Che Khalib says the cash-flow position of TNB is still in critical position until it receives the cash from the government and Petronas.”

Okay. Here’s my next request.

Please dear Santa, grant me the intelligence and wisdom to understand how a company which owns a monopoly business of providing an essential item to 27 million people plus all the investors and businesses in the whole country could record losses and have cash flow problems if the government or the nation’s cash cow, Petronas did not help?

I know. This will be hard for you dear Santa. But please at least try to grant me this one.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Tada!

p.s. Salam to all the elves.

30 comments:

C++ said...

Bhai Art....

Nice letter you have here.... Anyway.. could I also asked you to remind Santa for my last year request.... hehehe

Anonymous said...

why go ask santa. go ask the man who gave you keralanomics.

IPPs were issued to his cronies and one of his biggest fan is Syed Mohktar. When there was huge power overcapacity, this Indian turned muslim literally ask the local councils to light up everywhere so that power is not wasted. thats Kerala logic. And rural folks go into frenzy when he was in town.

Whatever UMNOputra touches, it turns into cowdung. Look at the latest cow fattening project. I rest my case.

Anonymous said...

actually the mullahs should fatwa that men should not be left alone in the company of oysters, clams, mussels, lala, si ham, etc. In fact all kinds of bivalves with shells should be haramed. The temptations for their followers to put their dicks in between the shells would be just too great. This in addition to the necessity of haramming papayas and watermelons as mentioned by you.

Anonymous said...

Hi just curious why the last poting was removed, did JAKIM haramed that ? LOL

Anonymous said...

Again, amatuerish. If previous show clips at doing some sizzlingly crippling axeworks were to be anything to go by, thoughts such as the ones you just now display could best receive the same fate: to be deleted forever from your blogspace.

You are confused between the attractions of the Consumerist-Christmas agenda (with all the opportunity for literal gab displays could afford) and your own religion, whom you love to hate. Between the inerudite and tongue-tied "Mullah-dungus" whose demeanour makes you want to dis-own your own religion, and the promises of Syed-Akbar-Ali-esque "Read-Quran-Only-and-Nothing-Else-Except-Club-of Doom" band of closet apostates whose flair for writing soooooo much trigger your passion for reading (and trying to write) proses of such pseudo-cultivated, proto-malay english writings.

You write thus in the hope of being accepted in the bandwagon of the SyedAkbar-Zubedy-SIS-KassimAhmad Hadith haters, because where else could you feel soooo much at home, pacifying a soul yang meronta-ronta tak mahukan anything orthodox and piety. This santa fiction bears the birth pangs of that rebelliousness: an attempt to be an unsaid anti- of everything established, a true rebel without a clause.

But you know inside you, deeeep inside you, that the desire to be known, to be read, to be listened to and to be ...merely accepted...; supersedes your desire to be anonymous and unknown blog literalist.

Oh the pain that you have to bear, especially when the day is done and you put the lights out and you lie alone in bed. Had it not been for your stone-cold heart, lines of your smiles would, as sung by Joan Baez, certainly erase the tear tracks upon your face....

Ahmed Termidzi, Artie Bhai Guitar Fan
(also formerly A. Tarkus)

kckembara said...

The man who talked about ISA tu was actually asking favour from the government and this is his intention:

Musim monsoon membawa hujan,
Katak merepek yang bukan-bukan;
PR 13 nanti ditolak rakyat Kelantan,
Jib,boleh bagi Senator satu jawatan?

pinsysu said...

dear santa

all rakyats want tis year is just a new gomen ... er i mean nxt yr. pls send ur elfs to counter the umno evil elfs. ty sir.

Anonymous said...

The exact Arabic word 'Jahannam' which means hell is in the Quran in many verses.
Eg:
Surah Aal-e-Imran (Verse 12, 162, 197)
Surah An-Nisa (Verse 55, 93, 97, 115, 121, 140, 169)
Surah Al-Araf (Verse 18, 41, 179)
Surah Al-Anfal (Verse 16, 36, 37)
Surah At-Taubah (Verse 35, 49, 63)

Just to name a few.

flyer168 said...

Art,

That is a good one.

Just to share this...Author Unknown.

“Once a little boy wanted RM100 badly for Christmas and prayed to God for two weeks but nothing happened…

THEN he decided to write to GOD a letter requesting RM100 for Christmas.

When Post Malaysia received the letter addressed to God, they decided to send it to the PM...

The PM was so impressed, touched and amused so he instructed his PA to send the little boy a RM5.

The PM thought this would be a lot of money to the little boy….

The little boy was delighted with the RM5...

So he sat down to write a Thank You note to God...

“Dear God, thank you very much for sending the money...

However, I noticed that for some reason, you had to send it to Putrajaya...

As usual those Bastards @ Penyamun took away RM95”...

A Merry Christmas to all.

Shalom.

flyer168 said...

So how "holy, honest and clean" is Bolehland’s gomen?

Can God or Santa help...?

Just to share this...

Mobile - Malaysia - DAP dares Putrajaya to segregate gambling income @ Mon Dec 06 2010 - http://www.themalaysianinsider...ng-income/

"In a written reply to Chong today, the Finance Ministry, which is under Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak himself, announced that the government had earned a total of RM1,199,574,646 in tax revenue from six numbers forecast operations (NFOs) in 2009 and RM988,781,852 until September 30 this year.

The ministry also revealed that it had collected taxes worth RM105,514,511 from “special draws” in 2009 and RM90,096,781 until September 30 this year. In total, the government has earned over RM1.08 billion in taxes from both the NFOs and “special draws” to date this year…”

“If you add it with money earned from Genting, the total revenue would come up to at least RM2.3 billion in just one year. And then this RM2.3 billion goes back into the Consolidated Fund..."

History - The Genting Story - http://www.genting.com/history/index.htm Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hussein_Onn Genting Malaysia Berhad - Board of Directors - http://www.gentingmalaysia.com/bod.htm
Genting Group - Genting Berhad Annual Reports - http://www.genting.com/annualreports/gb.htm

Finally, how do the Holier than thou Muslim Civil servants feel about their salaries being paid out by their Masters from the Consolidated Funds?

You be the judge.

Shalom.

aniktnf said...

Can someone please enlighten me as to why there scores of words in the Holy Koran that resemble Sanskrit words? Is it coincidental or is there actual linkage?

Anonymous said...

Dear Flyer168

Finally, how do the Holier than thou Muslim Civil servants feel about their salaries being paid out by their Masters from the Consolidated Funds?

Like lots of bumis who have been brainwashed by dUMNO, its their right to get paid.

shalom

Anonymous said...

It's been awhile Art, but worth the wait. Another great funnies, it really made my day. I hope it not to long a wait for the next one, as always many thanks for the laughs.

chella kajang said...

Art,

Very interesting article

flyer168 said...

Anon 18:57,

Well said, thank you bro.

Shalom.

Anonymous said...

Thank you,
Don't give up.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Art Harun,
Thank you so much for your brilliant letter.Never laughed so much in my life, even though the points raised was actually quite alarming. Why is religion and race continuing to dominate our local politics when bread+butter issues should be focal point to tackle as well as rampant corrupt government officials running this country to ground.

selson said...

thank you ..art

selson said...

art, thank you

The Religious Policeman (aka Mutt) said...

We are catching up fast with our Suadi's Holier than thou Muslim Civil servants...

Recommend to read
http://muttawa.blogspot.com/
The diary of a Saudi man, currently living in the United Kingdom, where the Religious Police (a.k.a. Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice a.k.a MUTT) no longer trouble him for the moment. In Memory of the lives of 15 Makkah Schoolgirls, lost when their school burnt down on Monday, 11th March, 2002. The Religious Police would not allow them to leave the building, nor allow the Firemen to enter...

Perhaps one day we will have 1MUTT here in MUTTLAYSIA

Tiger said...

Hehehe, Art, you won't be getting presents from Santa because you are NAUGHTY!
Anyway, isn't Jesus a prophet in Islam?
So Muslims should be encouraged to celebrate the birth of their Prophet!

Azli Jamil said...

I first came across your blog about a week ago and I've read many of your postings since.
Just want to tell you that reading your thoughts has be a great joy indeed.

ps: Cynicism can lead to heart attack at older age. So, please strengthen your heart. :-P

Anonymous said...

The irony of it all is that the fatwa on LKY's book is exactly what LKY meant by being less strict on religious observance.

I really marvel at the wisdom of his words.

Adam.

Ipoh said...

Dear Tiger
Jesus a prophet in Islam?
Yes, see 19:30
encouraged to celebrate the birth of their Prophet!
No requirement
Jesus birth is narrated in detail in Surah 19 call Mary. no wise men around...under dates tree...
Base on 19:25 Jesus was born in late September or early October. This is when dates ripen in the Middle East to the point of falling off the tree.

[19:16] Mention in the scripture Mary. She isolated herself from her family, into an eastern location.
[19:17] While a barrier separated her from them, we sent to her our Spirit. He went to her in the form of a human being.
[19:18] She said, “I seek refuge in the Most Gracious, that you may be righteous.”
[19:19] He said, “I am the messenger of your Lord, to grant you a pure son.”
[19:20] She said, “How can I have a son, when no man has touched me; I have never been unchaste.”
[19:21] He said, “Thus said your Lord, `It is easy for Me.
We will render him a sign for the people, and mercy from us. This is a predestined matter.’”
The Birth of Jesus
[19:22] When she bore him, she isolated herself to a faraway place.
[19:23] The birth process came to her by the trunk of a palm tree. She said, “(I am so ashamed;) I wish I were dead before this happened, and completely forgotten.”

[19:24] (The infant) called her from beneath her, saying, “Do not grieve. Your Lord has provided you with a stream.
[19:25] “If you shake the trunk of this palm tree, it will drop ripe dates for you.
[19:26] “Eat and drink, and be happy.
When you see anyone, say, `I have made a vow of silence [to the Most Gracious]*; I am not talking today to anyone.’ ‘
[19:27] She came to her family, carrying him. They said, “O Mary, you have committed something that is totally unexpected.
[19:28] “O descendant of Aaron, your father was not a bad man, nor was your mother unchaste.”

The Infant Makes a Statement
[19:29] She pointed to him. They said, “How can we talk with an infant in the crib?”
[19:30] (The infant spoke and) said, “I am a servant of GOD. He has given me the scripture, and has appointed me a prophet.
[19:31] “He made me blessed wherever I go, and enjoined me to observe the Contact Prayers (Salat) and the obligatory charity (Zakat) for as long as I live.
[19:32] “I am to honor my mother; He did not make me a disobedient rebel.
[19:33] And peace be upon me the day I was born, the day I die, and the day I get resurrected.”
The Proven Truth
[19:34] That was Jesus, the son of Mary, and this is the truth of this matter, about which they continue to doubt.
[19:35] It does not befit GOD that He begets a son, be He glorified. To have anything done, He simply says to it, “Be,” and it is.

To my fellow Malay Muslim...
Remember Raikan Cinta by M Nasir
…..Ke sana ke sini lari-lari kecil
Bagai Siti Hajar mencari air
Terpancur sinar di kering pasir
Bekas hentakan kudus kaki Ismail…..

Isn't it ironic that we the so proclaim Quran follower are more FAMILIAR of the famous “HADIS STORY” of Siti Hajar, Ismail and the origin of “zam-zam” water instead of to Isa and Mariam narration as proclaim in verses 19:23, 19:24, 19:25 in the Quran.
I guess that show how familiar the Malay Muslim are to their own Quran. Can we conclude that the Malay Muslim are in fact HADIS follower instead of Quran follower???

Anonymous said...

they not scare of corruption/ignorance but scare of Santa.Hello! christmas tree and santa are tradition, nothing mentioned in bible,...myth, dont be scare , bro

cram said...

Art,

Santa is very busy, said, "Just send TNB to Zorro's fart-chamber."

Deux Anges said...

Excellent Bro! You illustrate so clearly the stupidity and hyprocisy of the so-call moral guardians.

nasir said...

humour aside, pls note that "MUalaikum salam" is incorrect; shld be "WA ....." ("WA' = "and"; thus, "and peace be to u ...)
Even Kelantanese do not say "MU", ha!ha!
Just being humourous
(But i wonder, how many years you have been quoting "MU ..."? no pahala, I shld say. Ha! Ha!

Non-Governmental Individual said...

nice... i really really really admire your intelligence...

PAK DONI DI MALAYSIA said...

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saya mengucapkan banyak terimakasih kepada MBAH KABOIRENG yang telah menolong saya dalam kesulitan,ini tidak pernah terfikirkan dari benak saya kalau nomor yang saya pasang bisa tembus dan ALHAMDULILLAH kini saya sekeluarga sudah bisa melunasi semua hutang2 kami,sebenarnya saya bukan penggemar togel tapi apa boleh buat kondisi yang tidak memunkinkan dan akhirnya saya minta tolong sama MBAH KABOIRENG dan dengan senang hati MBAH KABOIRENG mau membantu saya..,ALHAMDULIL LAH nomor yang dikasi MBAH KABOIRENG semuanya bener2 terbukti tembus dan baru kali ini saya menemukan dukun yang jujur,jangan anda takut untuk menhubungiya jika anda ingin mendapatkan nomor yang betul2 tembus seperti saya,silahkan hubungi MBAH KABOIRENG DI 082=322=212=111 ingat kesempat tidak akan datang untuk yang kedua kalinga dan perlu anda ketahui kalau banyak dukun yang tercantum dalam internet,itu jangan dipercaya kalau bukan nama MBAH KABOIRENG KLIK TOGEL 2D 3D 4D 6D DISINI